suave_thomas | Filtered to Tasha, Aly, Abby, David, Mary and Spectre

Current Mood: gloomy

Entry tags:

Filtered to Tasha, Aly, Abby, David, Mary and Spectre

Okay. I am actually using the journal Peter made me a long time ago under duress. Peter's being a jackarse and there's things I want to say without him seeing. I can't believe I actually just said that...

Having shocked myself, (and rest assured I now feel suitably guilty) I'll move on. The reason I'm being all hidey? Peter's bad. He's not getting better. And this most likely means that Mary and I will be stuck here for a very long time. It's already been over two weeks. Okay, only by two days. But if memory serves, the pangs can start as early as three. It's never bad that early, but it gets worse fast. And while I could just...deal, I'd rather not. I don't want to watch Mary go through it either. And Joe and Julian are coming in to town on Friday and chances are if Joe and Julian come, it will serve as a sort of stampede and Adam and Violet will too. So there's already going to be issues with...hiding me.

Get to the point, Thomas. Right. I was trying to think of a way to sort of...'solve' both problems at once. Peter clearly still needs someone. My connection here is as strong as it was when Kat was going through hell and she needed me. If someone else were here for him...it would take that connection from me. I could go for a few days, and then come back. Like Mary and William did before. The only person I can think of though is...Robert. I don't know if he'd agree. And Spectre, if you didn't want to see him, I could always ask Rolf. If...everyone thinks it's okay. And I suppose the same could be done again for Mary with William but...only if that is okay with you, Aly. And William, of course.

I'm trying to be proactive. It makes me feel like I'm actually accomplishing something...

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I certainly wouldn't mind seeing William again. God...

Oh, I'm going to hell for thinking what I'm thinking.

Anyway...Caleb can't see William, but I am sure he could stay with my parents for a few days. And if...William seeing Peter causes a problem...we could stay with David? Only if that's okay with David and Christina.

I don't want you and Mary to be in pain, Thomas. It's so wonderful of you both to come back here to be with us. You have my eternal gratitude. And I know you'll have Peter's to once he is back to his old self. Which he will be. It's just going to be a longer journey than we thought. I'm so sorry you felt like you had to leave yesterday. And I'm deeply sorry for what he said to you. You don't deserve that. I love you, Thomas. I think that being proactive at this point is a good thing.

You are not going to hell. You can't anyway, and Aly...no one is going to blame you for wanting comfort. I am Peter's best friend, and I understand completely. No hell for Miss Aly.

I will always come back to help. Sometimes it's just harder than others and special arrangements have to be made. I love you too, Miss Aly. And I know he didn't mean what he said. Eventually he'll know that too.

That's absolutely okay with us. I'd like to see William again too. Whatever assistance we can provide, it shall be given gladly.

Thomas, I too think this sounds like the best course of action. It worked very well when I was in dire mental straits, so I see no reason why it couldn't be so again. This seems good thinking. I'm sorry it has come to this, though.

I just want a husband who pays attention to me. If it can't be one, it might as well be the other. Goddammit. I'm sick and he just lies there. He won't even sleep in the room with me anymore, but...well I sort of kicked him out because he said things. And he won't apologise, so he's just staying in the other room. Augh.

Augh is right. I can't believe it's come to this. I always thought that no matter how bad it got, the love you share would at least preserve something that you could both rely on. To see Peter turn his back on that... it's a world I never would have conjured in my darkest imaginings. And if Peter won't be there for you, someone needs to.

I know this is the way things will probably have to be, but I still have to ask. Are you absolutely sure you'll be okay with William's presence, and more to the point, when he needs to leave? I know you've been through it before, but this is a different situation, and... I just need to look out for my Little Sister, you know?

Yeah.

I'll be okay with his presence and when he needs to leave. I know how it is now. But thank you for looking out for me.

I always will, Aly. I love you.

I love you too, David. And I love Peter as well. Even if he did call me a mental patient. Though I think he wasn't just referring to me...

Oh my god... I knew he'd said some terrible things, but that's... well, it's certainly beyond what I might have imagined. I feel... dirty, just thinking of him saying that to you. I can't believe it. I wish I didn't have to. That's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever heard.

I've called him worse. In Spanish. Hormones will do that to you. Hormones and grief. Don't be too angry, he's hurting more than I am.

I'm trying not to be. I know he didn't mean it. But in lieu of anger, it just makes me so sad.

It is sad.

I'll see you soon, David.

Absolutely.

I'm glad you're behind me. It's good to know. I'm sorry too, but we do what we have to.

See, some of us can even be whimsical with icons if need be...

I hope the whimsical icon wasn't too intimately connected to the idea of my being behind you?

...Why, David. I wasn't thinking that! You're a dirty man.

It's been said... But at least you said it with a smile!

Of course!

Oh that's all very...technical. But I don't want you to be hurting either! It's...scary to think about you going through that. And I can understand too that it would be easier on you if you weren't here while Joe and Julian are. It sounds to me like you've thought this all out.

I'm sorry for everything that's happened, Thomas. I love you.

Nice name, by the way. Remind me to tease you later?

It feels like cheating, but cheating is less painful than waiting it out. As much as I am sure witnessing me in pain might do something to stir some decency in Peter, it seems a tad extreme...

I love you too, Abs.

Ooh, sure thing.

Uhm...a tad, yes.

I don't blame you for anything you said, Thomas. I didn't invite Hope round here last night because I would have felt bad for bringing her into this house. If that's not fucked up, I don't know what is. I felt bad for leaving Aly and Lydia here, too. This whole situation is wearing on me more than I'd like to admit to anyone. It's fucked, just fucked.

I think your plan is good. I can deal with having Robert here. It's certainly better than leaving you in pain. I'd never want that to happen. And if it helps you avoid family problems, so much the better. Consider me behind this.

I love you, Thomas. I've never felt for a moment that you weren't helping. Even if Peter won't let himself be helped, you're helping the rest of us to deal with that.

It is fucked, Tasha, but it will be okay. He needs time. Apparently more of it than he expected.

Thank you, Tasha.

I love you too. It's good to know you feel that way. It really is.

Hey, babe... you know how much I need you. Not in a trapping-you-here way, just in the knowing-you're-somewhere way. Having that somewhere be here is just good. Really good.

like it when you talk to me. I always hear you.

I know. That's the best part.

I talk back! Mostly it's just to tell you I love you though. Which you already know.

I do know, but it's still very comforting to know that you say it. Now I can imagine it, and know that you really are saying the words.

Well, you know I was hardly impressed with Robert. But despite what happened, I understand that he was trying to do the right thing. And while I would have no desire to associate with him for longer than necessary, I'm not going to turn my back on you all by refusing to bring him back here. As far as helping everyone, I want to pull my weight. I'll do what needs to be done with Robert and William. Although if you want them both to be brought here at the same time, it might be best to have Rolf get Robert anyway. It's hard for me to bring two people one after the other. But we can cross that bridge when we come to it.

Whatever else I may be able to do, know that I will. You're doing well, Thomas. You're still human, after all, bound by human limitations. And part of that is Peter's own stubborn will to currently not get better. That's not easy to break down, as we're all painfully aware. But we'll get there, and your help will be invaluable in that. We'll be okay, Thomas. I love you.

Yeah...I know. I was hardly impressed too, but I've spent a lot of time with him. He's a good man, and he does want to help. The only reason he wouldn't is that other people might not want to see him. I think I'll just ask Rolf...

I love you too, Spectre.

I know. I know he's a good man, it's just... I have issues. And they're not Robert's fault. I probably should have just taken a chill pill up there... never mind. You're right, it's probably best if Rolf and I just coordinate to share the responsibility, anyway.

Spectre, you can feel however you want. You don't have to take a chill...anything. I'll do anything to make you feel more comfortable. Rolf won't mind, he'll be glad to do it.

Do you want me to come see you again when I'm done talking here? I'm certainly not going back to Peter's yet. I was told not to.

I know I don't have to moderate myself around you, but it doesn't give me an excuse to be unfair. Still, I'm in the company of very understanding people here, so I'm okay. And thank you.

I'd love to have you here with me, Thomas. I want you to have a home wherever I am, so please do. I'm sorry you can't be with Peter yet. You will be.

You weren't unfair. You're welcome.

I know I will be. I know he'll let me in eventually. I'm just so sad for him because he's got to be beyond heartbroken and it won't get better until he lets it.

I'm sad for him too. I hate that he seems to feel that he has to deal with this alone. I wish he could accept our help.

Metaphysics. Such a dreadful pain. Our tag-teaming seems like the best recourse. As David said, it worked well last time.

Don't be so hard on yourself, darling. You're doing all that a man may do, and planning for contingencies so that you may continue to do so. No one could possibly ask for anything more. This isn't upon you alone. Until Peter is willing to meet us all in some sort of effort of his own, there's only so far we can carry him.

If it comes down to it, and the extreme method is the only way, I'm willing to take the pain.

I don't think I was being unnecessarily hard on myself...this is the situation. You're right, he has to meet us somewhere. That's my point.

Oh, Mary...no. I don't want you to have to go through that. We'll work something out. I love you.

I love you too. And while I am sure we'll work something out, I just want people to know I'm not afraid of it as an option. I've been held captive in the mind of a former demon, and suffered unspeakable mental torments limited only by vicious imagination. I can only assume that will have hardened me somewhat against whatever ordeal might await at the hands of grim nature. Whatever I must face for the people I love, I shall.

Of course, if and when we find another way, I'll be all for it.

That's...true. Eesh, though. I would face it for them too, I just...I'd rather not. You're very brave. And gorgeous! And I like that cute little button nose you have!

As you are wise, noble and beautiful. I love you, Thomas. I love your everything.

I have your claw things.

I know. Random thing to say. But I just remembered...

I love your everything too.

It was sweet of you to keep them, darling. And you can be as random as you like. I'll always love it.

Hope made me want to rub you all over with ice cubes?

That's random. I miss you.

Hope is a charming girl with many wonderful qualities.

Random and delightful, Thomas. I miss you too. I'm sure we can find the time to meet somewhere soon.

Hope make good plan.

I'm sure we will.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Filtered to Tasha, Aly, Abby, David, Mary and Spectre

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject