To Those in the Know

[suave_thomas]

I don't like admitting fears. I don't know if it's because I unused to having such terrible fears, or if I actually have issues with appearing weak, but whatever the case may be, I don't like doing it.

I'm afraid of the dark.

I am six foot five, once again indestructible, quite burly thanks, and I'm afraid of the fucking dark.

And I died again. I'm dead again. I was tortured mercilessly and I look like nothing happened, and then I died to save my heart and my soul, and you wouldn't know to look at me. Unless you turned the light off and happened to hear my girlish squeal. Thing is, I'm not exactly happy when people turn lights on either, thanks to what Amaris did to me with her...electricity...euugghhh-

In summary? I'm pretty fucked up right now. I really am. But I probably won't act like it. I just can't handle that.

Comments

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

There is great bravery in admitting one's fears. I'm proud of you, Thomas. I'm always so very proud of you. I'll do whatever I can to help you through it all. You don't have to feel embarrassed about anything with me. We're in this together. But if you don't show it, at least now you know that we're all aware, and we can keep things in mind, and you can deal with things in whatever way makes you feel most comfortable. We'll support you in everything.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Everyone being aware without me having to show it? Best case scenario. I think I fear showing weakness more than the dark and I don't know why. Maybe I should look into that...

I was thinking back over my whole 7 months as a real live person again. It was incredible and I was so grateful for it. I'm glad it happened. Beyond glad. But I'm not bitter it ended either. It's readily apparent that what is dead is dead. Sure, I'm here simulating life, but I'm not alive. When I was, it was painful and far too hard to be right. It's so strange to be so grateful about something and know it wasn't necessarily the right thing. So strange.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Yes, you have a point there. And of course, it's something I'll be with you for, in every way that I can. I do wonder why that would be. It doesn't seem readily apparent where it would come from, but I imagine that's an exploration for another time.

I'm glad that it's something you're grateful for, rather than regretful about. You had the experience, in all its ups and downs, and no one can take away those good times now. You have a different kind of life now, in the wider sense of existence, but you're no less alive to the people you love, and who love you. I'm certainly more grateful than ever simply to have a Thomas.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I could use my fancy new psychoanalytical skills. I flipped through one of Abs' medical journals, and I knew what it was saying, and I felt quite pleased with myself!

A Thomas! That you have. Babe, did you actually get my anniversary gift? Which, by the way, I hate that I missed...

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Oooh, brilliant! I find it quite amazing to watch you and Abby utilising the traits you've picked up from each other, actually. I love you both so deeply, that I find it quite heartwarming that you have that added connection. It will certainly be a comfort, while you're gone, to have that little part of you here.

I did indeed, and though it drove home your absence at first, it came to mean... probably more to me than you had even imagined it would, under the circumstances. It was such a beautiful thing to do, Thomas. Thank you so much. Even when you were farthest away from me, you still made me feel loved. There will be many more anniversaries to celebrate, and the fact that we missed one will become a distant memory.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

She told me she wants to poke things with sticks now!! I got a PHD and she got stick poking 101! Harhar! Incidentally, do you find scrubs at all attractive? Or a doctor coat? Anything working for you?

I still hate that I missed the first one. Stupid Sacrifice. But I'm so glad you got it!!

I'll be home soon, Babe. Tasha and I are going to eat "yay no more hunger" burgers.

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I can definitely understand that. I know a little of where you're coming from. It's not the same, it never is from person to person, but... well, the other day, with the undercover gig in Little Moscow? I saw something. A wall, and it was stained and pitted in the right way that... it gave me flashbacks, to when my parents disappeared. So I know how easy it is for the present to morph into the past.

As always, my darling, I'm here for you. You've done so many brave things, I don't think anyone could ever think of you as otherwise. Being afraid of something doesn't change that or make you less. You're still our Thomas.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Oh, Tasha. I'm downstairs so come hug me! I hate that you had to remember that.

I can still be Thomas. Just...messed up, still dealing with issues Thomas.

I am so fucking grateful I never have to be hungry again. Just....so damn grateful.

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

Mmmm, Thomas-hugs. Yes.

Messed up and dealing with issues... I think we can handle that.

God, I can imagine. Three days was bad enough. The things you went through... yeah. I'm grateful you never have to do that again, either.

Fuck it, I'm gonna make a burger after I hug you. Lots. Want one?

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

YES! They are big and warm.

I'm afraid to go anywhere near the hospital either, because she's there. That just...yuck.

I love burgers! Yes please!

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

Big, warm and clever.

Ugh, yes. Unappealing, to say the least. From what I understand though, she's well and truly out of the way. At least that's good to know.

I shall burger you up anon!

[demon-svetlana.livejournal.com]

It's okay to be afraid. I get scared too. It's funny, because no one can kill us really. Well, not without a hell of a lot of effort that most people just don't have. But it's the little things, always the little things.

I'm always here if you need someone to talk to or snuggle with. I love you.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

The little things matter so much more than the big ones, sometimes. I can't die, but I can feel pain. And I can be closed off from the people I love which is the worst thing in the world. It was terrible. Worse than I suffered at Amaris' hands. Worse than anything.

I know you are, my beautiful Svetlana. I love you too.

[demon-svetlana.livejournal.com]

Now that I'm surrounded by people I love, I can imagine how horrible it would be. It's not something I'd ever put someone through ever again. And I'm really glad it's something that bitch Amaris will never be able to do again.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I'm glad too. For both things.

You're one of the most important people to me, Svetlana. Don't you ever forget that.

[demon-svetlana.livejournal.com]

I could never forget, with you around being so lovely :) And the same goes for you. You're my best friend, and I was so sad without you. I really wanted you with me, in the hardest times and the best times especially. But in the end, I just want you around all of the times.

[slinkster-ghoul.livejournal.com]

Oooh, me too.

We can be fucked up buddies.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Stephie?

I will be anything you want me to be.

Except alone in a dark room because that would be mean and kind of sadistic.

[slinkster-ghoul.livejournal.com]

Got it. No walking into your room and turning out the light.

Incidentally, don't do that to me either, because I will throw things at you.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I never, ever, ever would. Sometimes I put icky things on people's pillows, but that's really only if they annoy me, or they're Peter.

Because Peter is so cute when he's all prissy and grossed out.

[slinkster-ghoul.livejournal.com]

Awww, you're such a bitch ♥

[slinkster-ghoul.livejournal.com]

That wasn't supposed to be the hilarious laughing icon.

Unless we're laughing in the face of fear like the crazy people we are. In the face of fear and in the rain.

Mental.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I think it's a cute icon!! And so is this one!

Well, sometimes laughing in the rain is fun, as long as you don't do it staring straight up. Because then your mouth might fill with water, which is problematic at best.

[slinkster-ghoul.livejournal.com]

S'why you swallow.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

:D!