To Those in the Know

[suave_thomas]

I don't like admitting fears. I don't know if it's because I unused to having such terrible fears, or if I actually have issues with appearing weak, but whatever the case may be, I don't like doing it.

I'm afraid of the dark.

I am six foot five, once again indestructible, quite burly thanks, and I'm afraid of the fucking dark.

And I died again. I'm dead again. I was tortured mercilessly and I look like nothing happened, and then I died to save my heart and my soul, and you wouldn't know to look at me. Unless you turned the light off and happened to hear my girlish squeal. Thing is, I'm not exactly happy when people turn lights on either, thanks to what Amaris did to me with her...electricity...euugghhh-

In summary? I'm pretty fucked up right now. I really am. But I probably won't act like it. I just can't handle that.

Comments

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

There is great bravery in admitting one's fears. I'm proud of you, Thomas. I'm always so very proud of you. I'll do whatever I can to help you through it all. You don't have to feel embarrassed about anything with me. We're in this together. But if you don't show it, at least now you know that we're all aware, and we can keep things in mind, and you can deal with things in whatever way makes you feel most comfortable. We'll support you in everything.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Everyone being aware without me having to show it? Best case scenario. I think I fear showing weakness more than the dark and I don't know why. Maybe I should look into that...

I was thinking back over my whole 7 months as a real live person again. It was incredible and I was so grateful for it. I'm glad it happened. Beyond glad. But I'm not bitter it ended either. It's readily apparent that what is dead is dead. Sure, I'm here simulating life, but I'm not alive. When I was, it was painful and far too hard to be right. It's so strange to be so grateful about something and know it wasn't necessarily the right thing. So strange.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Yes, you have a point there. And of course, it's something I'll be with you for, in every way that I can. I do wonder why that would be. It doesn't seem readily apparent where it would come from, but I imagine that's an exploration for another time.

I'm glad that it's something you're grateful for, rather than regretful about. You had the experience, in all its ups and downs, and no one can take away those good times now. You have a different kind of life now, in the wider sense of existence, but you're no less alive to the people you love, and who love you. I'm certainly more grateful than ever simply to have a Thomas.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I could use my fancy new psychoanalytical skills. I flipped through one of Abs' medical journals, and I knew what it was saying, and I felt quite pleased with myself!

A Thomas! That you have. Babe, did you actually get my anniversary gift? Which, by the way, I hate that I missed...

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Oooh, brilliant! I find it quite amazing to watch you and Abby utilising the traits you've picked up from each other, actually. I love you both so deeply, that I find it quite heartwarming that you have that added connection. It will certainly be a comfort, while you're gone, to have that little part of you here.

I did indeed, and though it drove home your absence at first, it came to mean... probably more to me than you had even imagined it would, under the circumstances. It was such a beautiful thing to do, Thomas. Thank you so much. Even when you were farthest away from me, you still made me feel loved. There will be many more anniversaries to celebrate, and the fact that we missed one will become a distant memory.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

She told me she wants to poke things with sticks now!! I got a PHD and she got stick poking 101! Harhar! Incidentally, do you find scrubs at all attractive? Or a doctor coat? Anything working for you?

I still hate that I missed the first one. Stupid Sacrifice. But I'm so glad you got it!!

I'll be home soon, Babe. Tasha and I are going to eat "yay no more hunger" burgers.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Ha! Now that is an image for the books. Abby heading down to the Thames, finding something damp and dubious-looking, and giving it a righteous poke.

As it happens, I'm finding some interest in that doctor's coat idea, actually...

Sacrifice is stupid. Royally so. But you beat her, and I do take some comfort in knowing that she's probably still fuming about that.

It will be wonderful to have you back, honey. Enjoy your burgers!

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

If it was poke-worthy, it would wobble at her!

Really?! I could diagnose you with Sexual Frenzy! I have the power! And a stethoscope! I was kidding about the stethoscope.

I hope she bloody well is. :(

I will. I don't even need to eat, and yet I am still consuming something like my body weight in food because it all tastes so damn good...

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

That is clearly the measure of a good pokeable.

Oooh, doctor... however will you treat such a dreadful malady?!

I love so many things about having you back, Thomas. And believe you me, one of those many things is seeing you be able to enjoy a good, hearty meal. And as many of those as you like!

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I think so!

Take Thomas twice and apply directly to...ahahhaaa oh, it's fun being a doctor!

I enjoy not looking icky anymore. I'm totally hot again. It's awesome!

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Oh, goodness me! I think this is a story you'll have to finish in private! It's a good thing I have private health cover...

You never looked icky to me, Thomas, but I do know what you mean. I'm ever so glad that you feel happy with your body again. It's excellent to see.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Indeed it is!

I look like Thomas again. I'm glad.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Looking like Thomas is a fantastic way to look!