Ruminations of an Afterlife

My husband is coming home tonight!

I am so excited! I have missed him and I couldn't tour with him this time since I had shows. I was Benedicking it up.

There might be more benedicking it up when he gets home though, I'm just sayin'.

Spectre's done all he can assisting with the mix on his album and now it's up to his....mixer.

God, I'm a rock star's husband and I have no idea what the hell any of the lingo means. Anyway, we decided to get out of the city on a whim. Just...seemed like a good idea. So we're in Bradford-on-Avon in my childhood house. Mums bought it again when Ellie moved to London. Doesn't seem right for someone else to have it. And it's nice to have somewhere to escape to. And now James is set up in my old bedroom and Katya is in Abby and Ellie's room. It's a little surreal.

As is having relations of an intimate nature in my mother's bedroom. Not...it's not her bedroom anymore, but it was and that's weird. Spectre laughed at me because I was weirded out!

We're having a nice time. It's so simple here. I just have to make sure no one sees me, but you know. Hiding is fun. If anyone feels like joining us, there's a room still free. We'll be here for a few days. Relaxing...it was pretty much time.

I think I'm getting pneumonia. Abby is now barring people from visiting unless they wear a facemask which makes me feel like some kind of science experiment. Which I suppose is fair enough because I keep getting jabbed, and who wouldn't want to study someone who has come back to life twice? BUT I am keeping positive. My Spectre is coming to see me (with a facemask which I wish I could rip right off him for snoggage...sadly, that would be a little gross for him) and then Mary is going to play less-than-naughty-nurse tonight.

I have the best spouses!

I'm in Cork! I surprised my Spectre at the airport when the intrepid travellers of Spectre fame returned, because he didn't know I was back yet. He squealed and everything, it was awesome. And then there was some jumping into my arms and getting spun around action. I seem to have a habit of surprising him on my birthday. Which I completely approve of.

Speaking of my birthday, it is today. And I get to spend it with my friends and my husband, watching the amazing Adrina perform onstage. It's going to be wonderful! And then we'll be returning home for an epic reunion with the family. I know one little boy who talked about seeing his daddy again all day yesterday, and he just might not let go of Spectre for a week, I think. Somehow, I don't think Spectre will have a problem with that. Though James might have to battle with Mara... And Marie is getting possessive too. SO CUTE!

We met Isla Littleton the other day. She's our half-sister, and completely adorable. After the initial strangeness, which I won't explain because it's not really my business to do so, it was a completely wonderful time with completely wonderful people. I still haven't gotten to meet Galina, but I feel completely and totally blessed that the family is growing. To me, it doesn't matter how Isla and Galina came about (I don't need a diagram...) what matters is that they're here, and they're family.

I am so full of love right now! It might be because I got to see my Spectre again, and there were relations. Also epic. Mmmm yes.

Or it could be that it's just my default mode. Again. Finally. :D!

Oh shit.

Guys, Mums heard about what Kat did (I don't even know how) and she's coming to you. Well...she's coming to Kat. Thank Christ.

Also? She totally boxed my ears, made me eat green beans and then grounded me for my part in it all. I deserved it.

No news on Peter. We're still trying.

Okay, I've been back for a while now and I still haven't been with my husband and I'm starting to get a little grumpy about it! There may have been an incident where Deirdre asked if I wanted something to eat and I shouted, comically mind you, "I DON'T WANT FOOD I WANT LOVE!" (Take a moment to marvel at the fact that those words came out of my mouth)

To which Deirdre replied, "I DON'T HAVE THAT IN MY PANTRY!"

I don't really have much to say to that, probably beyond 'good...'.

Can someone watch the kids and tell me where my beautiful man is hiding?

Hey, Babe. Back already, apparently I can't stay away.

I have to go to Buttfuck Nowhere to help Peter find Lavannah. He thinks Aurelia is there too, which won't that be fun? I'll be alright though, I promise. I'm sorry I won't see your show tonight, but know I'd be watching if I could.

I love you, and I loved seeing you at Download. You were brilliant. Have a good tour, okay? Have lots of fun and don't worry. I'll be with Peter and Mary.

I got to see Mary. Thank everything.

Samson Mors is an utter dickwad. But even then, I saw the man ask for forgiveness yesterday. And if he can do that, I truly believe there's hope for everyone.

Less context is probably better at this point, but suffice to say he said he wouldn't use visions anymore. And I'll be damned, but considering the circumstances I actually believe him. He didn't see the error of his ways, or make any huge leap towards not being a dickwad, but he did realise that messing with people's minds isn't the right way to do anything. And that's something.

I want to talk to him again. It might amount to nothing. Maybe getting him this far is as much as we're ever going to get, but it's significantly more than nothing.

And might I also mention I have rarely been as proud of anyone as I was of Spectre yesterday. My husband is amazing.

I am so so sorry. I am STILL so so sorry. I love you. I think the world of you. Hell, my world is you.

( So I got you this )

Which is sort of me looking broody, because I couldn't find a 'I'm sorry' photo on short notice. But I DID order you lots of presents which will arrive all day long tomorrow!

I keep thinking I'll be okay and then something else occurs to me. I'm not used to feeling my heart beating and it still keeps me up nights. I'm not used to having to fear...anything. Which probably made me seem much braver than I am because apparently now I am afraid of everything. And I know I don't have to fear death, because I know what it is. I was so comfortable dead. I really was. It was nice. But no one else was comfortable with it...clearly. And now I am experiencing what you all experience (you, darling, in particular) and fuck me. And I don't want to do that to anyone again and what if I miss something? And I feel torn right in two, as if I was expriencing the pain of the pull anyway. Only...this is worse. It's worse.

But hey, I'm talking, right?

I'm experiencing a midlife crisis and I only just got my life back! The last time I remember my body being alive, I was twenty-five. Now I'm thirty-nine. And does my body take into account the time I was dead, or am I actually twenty-five again, just...thirty-nine in spirit? Or do I really only have forty years left? This damn experience doesn't come with an owner's manual. And since forty years is as long as I have existed, it doesn't seem that long at all when I was looking at eternity before. And I know I'll have the eternity again but that's when it's all creepy again. And I get so tired now. And I pulled a muscle with Mary and thought I actually broke my...well anyway... And I start to obsess and worry... What if I get cancer. What if I get typoid? What if I die of consumption because I have no immune system?! And then my heart starts to beat faster and I panic because what if it's a heart attack?!

There's good things too. Like the way my heart flutters when I see you. Or the way you make me short of breath. The way I'm describing it is rather like a long jog...but you know what I mean (I hope...) My stomach jumbles itself up in fluttery little knots when I think of you and I find it rather charming. That never happened before. And I don't think I'll ever get used to it. It won't ever get old. You make me tingle all over. And in those moments, fuck I'm so glad I'm alive...

I'm sorry I couldn't say anything of this outloud. It's too hard to think when I've got racey heart and obsessy mind and panic, panic, panic, but that...all of that...that's what's going on in my head. That and I'm sorry. And I still don't think I can talk about it in person yet. I'm not really...peopley. But we can talk here. I can be good with that.

I love you.

Last night was... There are no words. Perfect. Wonderful. Amazing. Mind-blowing. None of them can capture it.

Also, I am very tired, but in the best way! I am a husband! To the world's two most beautiful people.

Thank you to everyone who came and made the day what it was. Thank you so much. I love you all. I feel rather like I might float away right now. I'm so utterly content. Life, or what-have-you, is beautiful. Having you all there meant so much to me. It really did. I've never been this happy. And I know...for me to say that, truly means something.