Ruminations of an Afterlife

I couldn't be at the funeral today because Jordan's parents would have seen me and all hell would have broken loose. As far as I understand it, Julian wasn't there either. I can't really blame him. Poor kid.

I feel so empty right now. It's horrid and terrifying. And every time I see my son, I cling to him and he looks at me almost with pity because he knows I'm hurting. Maybe pity isn't the best word. Can a two-and-a-half year old feel sympathy? I think mostly when I was that age, I bit people and ate dubious things I found on the floor. Clearly James doesn't take after his dear old dad in that way, but I don't know. He lets me cling, and I need it. I am so terrified something will happen to him while I am gone.

So terrified, I feel fucking unmanned.

Tomorrow we're going to try to bring Mary back. Spectre's going on tour soon, and James will need someone to stay with him, and I can't. Who better than his mother? I hope that I'll still be here, but her presence may negate any need for me to be here, and if that is the case, I won't be around for a few weeks. I will be back. Spectre's going to come make sure I'm there right away, and if anything's awry, we know where to look. Sacrifice isn't getting me twice.

It was really wonderful to see you all again. I wish I didn't have to go. I love you.