To Those in the Know

[suave_thomas]

I couldn't be at the funeral today because Jordan's parents would have seen me and all hell would have broken loose. As far as I understand it, Julian wasn't there either. I can't really blame him. Poor kid.

I feel so empty right now. It's horrid and terrifying. And every time I see my son, I cling to him and he looks at me almost with pity because he knows I'm hurting. Maybe pity isn't the best word. Can a two-and-a-half year old feel sympathy? I think mostly when I was that age, I bit people and ate dubious things I found on the floor. Clearly James doesn't take after his dear old dad in that way, but I don't know. He lets me cling, and I need it. I am so terrified something will happen to him while I am gone.

So terrified, I feel fucking unmanned.

Comments

[slinkster-ghoul.livejournal.com]

After Snap died, me and Jinx had our own funeral for her. We went to her grave with wine and candles and music. Maybe you could do that, if you thought it might... if you thought you wanted to.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Will you come with me?

[slinkster-ghoul.livejournal.com]

Like you even had to ask.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

That's truly beautiful, Stephie. I love you.

[slinkster-ghoul.livejournal.com]

Love you too, Spectre.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I don't believe you could ever be unmanned, Thomas. You are far too much man for that.

Little James is a wonder in our best times and worst. And all times. I do love that he's able to be such a comfort to you. I'll be doing everything in my power to look out for him, every moment that I'm in this country.

I'm so sorry you had to miss the funeral, Thomas. It was a beautiful tribute.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Heh... I wouldn't be so sure. I'm so terrified I got nothing. Which I am eerily comfortable with talking about, apparently.

I know you will, Honey. And I know when you're touring and I'm gone, he'll have Abby and Peter and so many other people. It's not a lack of people, it's just fear because losing Jaida is so fresh. And that was...such a tragedy.

I am too. But I get my own now. Stephie's such a beautiful genius.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I do believe it takes a real man to speak so freely of such things, my love.

I understand completely. Not I, nor anyone else I think, can adequately express what losing Jaida has meant to all of us. It's just beyond.

A beautiful genius, she most certainly is.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

It'll work again when it's ready. I'm dead, I hardly have to worry about impotence.

It is. It really is. I don't think I even fully comprehend it yet. I don't think Joe does either, and I feel like I can't help him.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Indeed, that's very true.

I think we'll be able to help Joe when he's ready to be helped. And I don't mean that in any pejorative, "he's keeping us from helping him" sense. He needs to go through his grief, and after all he and Jordan have shared, I think it can only be an intensely private journey. When he's ready, I know you will be one of the very first he reaches for, and one of the most able to offer assistance.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I hope so. God, Spectre, I can't imagine. I mean...I'm dead and you and I aren't always together. And we had our terrible separation, but this... I'm so glad this will never happen to us, and I so hate that it's happened to him.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

So am I, Thomas. Absolutely. I wish with all my heart that Joe could have not gone through this. It's just so wrong in every way.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I'm going to go be with Stephie now. I love you. I'll be back soon. And I can make you a late dinner if you want. Or we can just curl up and try to shut out the world for a little while.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I love you too, Thomas. I won't say no to dinner, if that's what you'd like to do. Whatever will make you feel best, Thomas, is what will make me happy. I'll see you soon, baby.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Well I don't need to eat it. I'm just trying to make sure you do.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Thomas. You're so utterly wonderful to me.

[seminalsemiotic.livejournal.com]

Julian still hasn't come home. I'm worried about him...

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

He isn't home yet? Does Damon know where he is?

Where's Aislinn?!

[seminalsemiotic.livejournal.com]

Aislinn is literally right here on my lap as I'm typing this. Damon doesn't know where Julian is either, though. I've tried his phone, but there's no answer. I think it's switched off.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

He probably needs to be on his own. He wouldn't have gone anywhere without Aislinn.

[seminalsemiotic.livejournal.com]

Yes... yes, you're right. Aislinn, I think, has been his strongest lifeline through all this. He needs her now more than ever. I still wish I could be there for him in this, though.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

So do I. I really do.

[seminalsemiotic.livejournal.com]

*snuggles*

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

Thomas... I'm so sorry you're going through this. And that you were robbed, by circumstance, of the chance to be there with your family.

Thank everything we have people like James to help us through times like these. I'll look out for him in every way I can, too.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Well it was more important for Jordan's parents to be there, obviously. I just wish I had been too. Actually, if I'm wishing for things, I wish there wasn't a need for a funeral in the first place.

Thank you, Tasha. I trust you, you know? A great deal.

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

Yeah... I really wish that, too.

You're welcome, Thomas, and thank you. I know that level of trust is something you wouldn't lightly give when it comes to your children.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

It isn't something I would give lightly, no. But I love you.

I so wish I could help you feel better.

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

I love you too, Thomas. Always. And you do help me feel better. I'm not great, but I'd be a lot worse off without you.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

You will never be without me.

You know that for damn sure.

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

Hell yes. And that is one of the best things ever.