Ruminations of an Afterlife

( Hhhehhehehehee! )

Me too, Kitteh! Me too!! (And he is delicious, nom nom!)

In other news, we found a house and will be moving soon. And my husband is adorable! He's singing to the kids and James and Katya are singing back and my heart is melting!

LONDON! Oh, how I missed your frosty chill. And look this shit still makes me laugh. If you want to see a funny face, call Peter Peepee.

( Images of Disneyland and Lalaland )

Being with my husband while he was overseas was amazing. I got to run errands (yes, this excites me, I'm dead I have to find excitement in something) and I got to welcome him home every night. If he was tired I took care of him. He didn't have to miss me or the kids. I love being a tour husband! I hope I get to do it again sometime. I just...really kills me (lol :| ) that I might not get that chance. Pampering husband=love. So does knowing he doesn't have to go to sleep at night without me. I pretty much love it.

You know what else is love? Seeing Flynn at Disneyland. But I'll let him tell his own tale. Seeing him happy, though? And Quinn's surprise "Hi, I'm in California for one day just to go to Disneyland with you" visit was pretty damned incredible too. The trip was just...full of love. And I'm so blessed.

Oh my god... ( It's like my worst nightmare... )

*cries*

And I'm starting to feel hungry already. Stupid fucking zombie fever!! Not that it's anything like after Amaris. It'll just be normal. Which for me? Pretty fucking abnormal.

But we're in California, safe and sound. James is sleeping off the flight, and I'm going to have a goddamned cocktail as fruity as Liberace. And a steak.

It's warm here too. Thank fuck for that.

So... How do you all feel about Spain? Peter and his brood are heading off tomorrow and Peter just called me to ask if we want to come too. For Mara. I've been watching her since coming home and she doesn't look pleased to be here, and I'm worried. I think maybe some time away might be a good idea, but it's up to you all of course. I don't think I'll be around much longer, but I might make it a few days...

In Valencia, Mara would have Anna and I already asked Flynn if he would come and he said he would. He made sure he could leave the shelter for a few days. There would be a lot of people she didn't know, but the hacienda in Valencia has this little guest house out the back, and that's usually where the kids stay. With supervision, of course and we could make sure it was someone she knew. And Peter said Mara and Anna could have their own room so they could talk.

Also, since this was his idea, he says he's paying for it. And he made the don't argue voice, and you can't argue with that. Especially when he spent all day as a hostage, because he's already all fired up.

What do you think? I know it's ultimately up to her, but do you think it's a good idea to ask? And if she said yes, could you go? I want to bring James, but since I'll probably disappear in the middle of it all, I would need someone else there to...you know...bring him back.

You really should see the place. And feel it. It's a place of so much love. I can't get over it.

I found old pictures of Mumsie!! Who is probably going to kick me for using the word 'old'...

I love you, Mums!

( She is so superglamorous, and look there's my husband and son too! )

The past few days have been quiet. Peter bought a trampoline and I can do acrobatics on it and it's really fun until I realise I'm forty-one. And then it's still fun, it's just a guilty kind of fun! And I showed Caleb how to do some of it and now I fear I've created a trampoline monster... And James is badgering me about getting one too, but the backyard doesn't have room for it unless we rip out most of the garden. He's three, he also wants a spaceship, a pony and a pet dinosaur. I'm not evil for keeping the garden instead of a trampoline, right?!

RIGHT?! Daddy crisis! Help!

James' third birthday was on the 20th. We went out and got him a dog named Coco. Meaning Chanel. She's a red doberman, and quite possibly the sweetest dog I've ever known. I love her. And James of course.

And now I'm wiggin because Peter's wife knows him better than I do and that's weird! And she knows my wife better too! I'm going to make her write it down.

This DOES, however, mean we can talk about Peter in code. I am very excited.

And by all of this I mean :(:(:( /avoiding

I'm home. James has this incredible way at getting to the crux of an issue even though he's just under 3 and doesn't know what 'crux' means. He clearly doesn't need to. Anyway, he said the right thing. And now Abby is making me dinner and I'm lounging on the sofa and trying to relax.

It's not easy.

Joe's awake! And he's going to be okay. Thank everything for that. They were about 5 hours away from cutting off his leg to keep him alive. But the infection is being fought now. And Julian is being followed, though I think he knows it. We'll have him back. I refuse to believe otherwise.

In the meantime, I have a beautiful little redhead in my lap, and another beside me! Aislinn is quite taken with Marie! She keeps pointing to her and saying, "baby!" And James is playing beside us, and Mara is reading on Mumsie's sofa. Today is a little better. Things aren't so terrible. We're still at Mums' (obviously...) but no one has seen hide nor hair of Amaris.

I'm starting to think she fucked off. If she were here, she'd be lording it over us. That's her way. I hope she got as far away as possible and that she stays there.

I couldn't be at the funeral today because Jordan's parents would have seen me and all hell would have broken loose. As far as I understand it, Julian wasn't there either. I can't really blame him. Poor kid.

I feel so empty right now. It's horrid and terrifying. And every time I see my son, I cling to him and he looks at me almost with pity because he knows I'm hurting. Maybe pity isn't the best word. Can a two-and-a-half year old feel sympathy? I think mostly when I was that age, I bit people and ate dubious things I found on the floor. Clearly James doesn't take after his dear old dad in that way, but I don't know. He lets me cling, and I need it. I am so terrified something will happen to him while I am gone.

So terrified, I feel fucking unmanned.

James and I planted a vegetable garden! He thought worms were baby snakes, so I told him they couldn't hurt him. I taught him all about gardens and we planted and watered it together. It was really nice. And then I managed to wrangle a moment with Marie away from Charon. Of course, it did happen to be a moment when she needed a diaper change, but who am I to complain which moments I get?! I'll teach her to garden too, when she's old enough. If she wants to learn.

I never realised teaching your children something was so fulfilling. It's amazing.

Miss Aly came home this afternoon too, and Mara is over with Anna. So James and I are watching movies because gardening makes little boys tired. He's got Errol on his lap and they're so cute!

Okay, where did I put my macho? I know I left it somewhere...

Ah, who the fuck cares?! I'm a daddy!