To Those in the Know

[suave_thomas]

I couldn't be at the funeral today because Jordan's parents would have seen me and all hell would have broken loose. As far as I understand it, Julian wasn't there either. I can't really blame him. Poor kid.

I feel so empty right now. It's horrid and terrifying. And every time I see my son, I cling to him and he looks at me almost with pity because he knows I'm hurting. Maybe pity isn't the best word. Can a two-and-a-half year old feel sympathy? I think mostly when I was that age, I bit people and ate dubious things I found on the floor. Clearly James doesn't take after his dear old dad in that way, but I don't know. He lets me cling, and I need it. I am so terrified something will happen to him while I am gone.

So terrified, I feel fucking unmanned.

Comments

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Well it was more important for Jordan's parents to be there, obviously. I just wish I had been too. Actually, if I'm wishing for things, I wish there wasn't a need for a funeral in the first place.

Thank you, Tasha. I trust you, you know? A great deal.

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

Yeah... I really wish that, too.

You're welcome, Thomas, and thank you. I know that level of trust is something you wouldn't lightly give when it comes to your children.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

It isn't something I would give lightly, no. But I love you.

I so wish I could help you feel better.

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

I love you too, Thomas. Always. And you do help me feel better. I'm not great, but I'd be a lot worse off without you.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

You will never be without me.

You know that for damn sure.

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

Hell yes. And that is one of the best things ever.