To Those in the Know

[suave_thomas]

I couldn't be at the funeral today because Jordan's parents would have seen me and all hell would have broken loose. As far as I understand it, Julian wasn't there either. I can't really blame him. Poor kid.

I feel so empty right now. It's horrid and terrifying. And every time I see my son, I cling to him and he looks at me almost with pity because he knows I'm hurting. Maybe pity isn't the best word. Can a two-and-a-half year old feel sympathy? I think mostly when I was that age, I bit people and ate dubious things I found on the floor. Clearly James doesn't take after his dear old dad in that way, but I don't know. He lets me cling, and I need it. I am so terrified something will happen to him while I am gone.

So terrified, I feel fucking unmanned.

Comments

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Heh... I wouldn't be so sure. I'm so terrified I got nothing. Which I am eerily comfortable with talking about, apparently.

I know you will, Honey. And I know when you're touring and I'm gone, he'll have Abby and Peter and so many other people. It's not a lack of people, it's just fear because losing Jaida is so fresh. And that was...such a tragedy.

I am too. But I get my own now. Stephie's such a beautiful genius.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I do believe it takes a real man to speak so freely of such things, my love.

I understand completely. Not I, nor anyone else I think, can adequately express what losing Jaida has meant to all of us. It's just beyond.

A beautiful genius, she most certainly is.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

It'll work again when it's ready. I'm dead, I hardly have to worry about impotence.

It is. It really is. I don't think I even fully comprehend it yet. I don't think Joe does either, and I feel like I can't help him.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Indeed, that's very true.

I think we'll be able to help Joe when he's ready to be helped. And I don't mean that in any pejorative, "he's keeping us from helping him" sense. He needs to go through his grief, and after all he and Jordan have shared, I think it can only be an intensely private journey. When he's ready, I know you will be one of the very first he reaches for, and one of the most able to offer assistance.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I hope so. God, Spectre, I can't imagine. I mean...I'm dead and you and I aren't always together. And we had our terrible separation, but this... I'm so glad this will never happen to us, and I so hate that it's happened to him.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

So am I, Thomas. Absolutely. I wish with all my heart that Joe could have not gone through this. It's just so wrong in every way.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I'm going to go be with Stephie now. I love you. I'll be back soon. And I can make you a late dinner if you want. Or we can just curl up and try to shut out the world for a little while.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I love you too, Thomas. I won't say no to dinner, if that's what you'd like to do. Whatever will make you feel best, Thomas, is what will make me happy. I'll see you soon, baby.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Well I don't need to eat it. I'm just trying to make sure you do.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Thomas. You're so utterly wonderful to me.