To Those in the Know

[suave_thomas]

I couldn't be at the funeral today because Jordan's parents would have seen me and all hell would have broken loose. As far as I understand it, Julian wasn't there either. I can't really blame him. Poor kid.

I feel so empty right now. It's horrid and terrifying. And every time I see my son, I cling to him and he looks at me almost with pity because he knows I'm hurting. Maybe pity isn't the best word. Can a two-and-a-half year old feel sympathy? I think mostly when I was that age, I bit people and ate dubious things I found on the floor. Clearly James doesn't take after his dear old dad in that way, but I don't know. He lets me cling, and I need it. I am so terrified something will happen to him while I am gone.

So terrified, I feel fucking unmanned.

Comments

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I don't believe you could ever be unmanned, Thomas. You are far too much man for that.

Little James is a wonder in our best times and worst. And all times. I do love that he's able to be such a comfort to you. I'll be doing everything in my power to look out for him, every moment that I'm in this country.

I'm so sorry you had to miss the funeral, Thomas. It was a beautiful tribute.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Heh... I wouldn't be so sure. I'm so terrified I got nothing. Which I am eerily comfortable with talking about, apparently.

I know you will, Honey. And I know when you're touring and I'm gone, he'll have Abby and Peter and so many other people. It's not a lack of people, it's just fear because losing Jaida is so fresh. And that was...such a tragedy.

I am too. But I get my own now. Stephie's such a beautiful genius.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I do believe it takes a real man to speak so freely of such things, my love.

I understand completely. Not I, nor anyone else I think, can adequately express what losing Jaida has meant to all of us. It's just beyond.

A beautiful genius, she most certainly is.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

It'll work again when it's ready. I'm dead, I hardly have to worry about impotence.

It is. It really is. I don't think I even fully comprehend it yet. I don't think Joe does either, and I feel like I can't help him.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Indeed, that's very true.

I think we'll be able to help Joe when he's ready to be helped. And I don't mean that in any pejorative, "he's keeping us from helping him" sense. He needs to go through his grief, and after all he and Jordan have shared, I think it can only be an intensely private journey. When he's ready, I know you will be one of the very first he reaches for, and one of the most able to offer assistance.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I hope so. God, Spectre, I can't imagine. I mean...I'm dead and you and I aren't always together. And we had our terrible separation, but this... I'm so glad this will never happen to us, and I so hate that it's happened to him.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

So am I, Thomas. Absolutely. I wish with all my heart that Joe could have not gone through this. It's just so wrong in every way.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I'm going to go be with Stephie now. I love you. I'll be back soon. And I can make you a late dinner if you want. Or we can just curl up and try to shut out the world for a little while.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I love you too, Thomas. I won't say no to dinner, if that's what you'd like to do. Whatever will make you feel best, Thomas, is what will make me happy. I'll see you soon, baby.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Well I don't need to eat it. I'm just trying to make sure you do.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Thomas. You're so utterly wonderful to me.