Filtered to Spectre

[suave_thomas]

I am so so sorry. I am STILL so so sorry. I love you. I think the world of you. Hell, my world is you.



Which is sort of me looking broody, because I couldn't find a 'I'm sorry' photo on short notice. But I DID order you lots of presents which will arrive all day long tomorrow!

I keep thinking I'll be okay and then something else occurs to me. I'm not used to feeling my heart beating and it still keeps me up nights. I'm not used to having to fear...anything. Which probably made me seem much braver than I am because apparently now I am afraid of everything. And I know I don't have to fear death, because I know what it is. I was so comfortable dead. I really was. It was nice. But no one else was comfortable with it...clearly. And now I am experiencing what you all experience (you, darling, in particular) and fuck me. And I don't want to do that to anyone again and what if I miss something? And I feel torn right in two, as if I was expriencing the pain of the pull anyway. Only...this is worse. It's worse.

But hey, I'm talking, right?

I'm experiencing a midlife crisis and I only just got my life back! The last time I remember my body being alive, I was twenty-five. Now I'm thirty-nine. And does my body take into account the time I was dead, or am I actually twenty-five again, just...thirty-nine in spirit? Or do I really only have forty years left? This damn experience doesn't come with an owner's manual. And since forty years is as long as I have existed, it doesn't seem that long at all when I was looking at eternity before. And I know I'll have the eternity again but that's when it's all creepy again. And I get so tired now. And I pulled a muscle with Mary and thought I actually broke my...well anyway... And I start to obsess and worry... What if I get cancer. What if I get typoid? What if I die of consumption because I have no immune system?! And then my heart starts to beat faster and I panic because what if it's a heart attack?!

There's good things too. Like the way my heart flutters when I see you. Or the way you make me short of breath. The way I'm describing it is rather like a long jog...but you know what I mean (I hope...) My stomach jumbles itself up in fluttery little knots when I think of you and I find it rather charming. That never happened before. And I don't think I'll ever get used to it. It won't ever get old. You make me tingle all over. And in those moments, fuck I'm so glad I'm alive...

I'm sorry I couldn't say anything of this outloud. It's too hard to think when I've got racey heart and obsessy mind and panic, panic, panic, but that...all of that...that's what's going on in my head. That and I'm sorry. And I still don't think I can talk about it in person yet. I'm not really...peopley. But we can talk here. I can be good with that.

I love you.

Comments

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I love you too, Thomas. I'm so glad you were able to get down the things you're feeling. It's okay that you can't say them out loud yet. You're still expressing them, and that's so much better than not. And now, I can know what's going on, and think about it, and be better equipped to help you. This is really good.

Thomas, I had no idea you were still feeling so torn. Until the last few days, you seemed to be really getting into the swing of having your life back. But I understand that there's more to the pull than just the physical effects. You had a life up there, for lack of a better word. People you love, and that we love. It's not a matter of just going between any more. I understand that that's a tremendous change, and not at all an easy one. If I had suddenly lost the ability to come and see you, I would have been beyond shattered. I really do get it.

I wish we did have more information about this. Rolf may have more to offer. I don't know if you've seen him since your recovery. I hope he might be able to answer some of your questions. I wish being an angel would just automatically provide me with the knowledge. That would be nice. I wish I could make you less afraid of illness, too, but that's probably something that will only come with you experiencing good health.

I'm glad there are things that are still making you happy. I love the way I can make you feel. It's wonderful to know that. You make me feel the same, you always have. That picture certainly did. Thank you. For the presents, too! You didn't have to do that, but I'm not complaining. You always give the very sweetest gifts. I love you, Thomas. Thank you for talking to me here. I'm so glad I know now what's going on in your heart and mind.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I used to be much better at expressing myself!! I remember once the bishop asked me why I looked so troubled and I said, "You Grace. I'm rather itchy." Without thinking twice. Well, it was true... Peter nearly died. He was mortified, the big girl.

I know you get it. Which is why I should tell you, but I'm all...you know...fucked. Argh.

I think he's told all he can tell. He said he's never known anyone this has happened to, he's only heard of it. And, baby, I hardly expect you to have all the answers either. You DO make me less afraid. Because I'm all obsessing away and freaking out and then you smile and I'm like "Oooh...pretty..." and I forget about all the crap. It's not just illness. I'm terried of the Templar or Amaris getting me again because...god, I wouldn't heal. They could do anything to me and I wouldn't heal. And it fucking frightens me so much that sometimes I can't move.

You always make me happy, though. I'm glad you liked the picture! Deirdre was annoyed because I was being a goof (this was a while ago) so she told me to 'be serious, you fucking zombie' and voila. Only Deirdre, eh? I know I didn't have to, Babe. I reckon that's why they're important. To make you feel better.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness. I do love you, Thomas. I love that you told His Grace you were itchy! That's priceless. I wish I could have seen both his and Peter's faces!

Well, you don't have to tell me anything until you're ready. I'm glad you felt ready to tell me all this now. It's a very strange situation indeed, but none of the hardship is a reflection on you, save to show how very much you love everyone around you.

I'm very glad to make you less afraid, especially in a world where there are things to be afraid of. It's not easy to live with threats like the Templar, or Amaris. But while they are threats, there are those of us who can die who have faced them and come out of it alive, and without permanent injury, like Tasha and Christina. I know it hasn't always turned out that way... but even in the darkest of circumstances, it still can. I firmly believe that there is always hope.

Only Deirdre indeed. I love her so much. She's fantastic. I'm sure she'll be here every step of the way to do what she can, too. And you're right. The fact that you don't have to do such sweet things, but you do them anyway... that makes them worth all the more.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

It was pretty priceless. He told me to go from God's House and scratch.

I yelled. I do not yell. Well I yell at pricks...but you are not a prick. I cannot believe I yelled...

I think...with them, I'm actuall more afraid of the pain than dying. With them, dying would be a mercy. I'm not used to pain that doesn't go away. I cut myself shaving and I cried...

You are my way, Baby. Never ever out of it.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

"Go from God's House and scratch." I'm going to remember that one...

No, you don't yell. But we all have our moments. I'm certainly not excluded from that. I forgive you, Thomas. You've already well and truly made up for it.

Yes, I can certainly understand that. I'm sorry you're afraid of the pain. I wish this world could be a place where you, and everyone else, didn't have to be.

And you are my way, my love. You always have been, and always will be.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

It's a good one! We should tell your dad that story. Oh god, I hope he's itchy...

Thank you for forgiving me. Very much.

Hey, same goes for you, Angel. I'll learn to deal. But 'learn' does me going through a process. Stupid learning!

I think our way is the best way.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Hahaha! Oh, that thought is going to amuse me for the rest of the evening. There are so many places he could potentially be itchy...

Thomas, my love, you're very welcome.

I'm proud of you for being willing to learn. Mums was very right when she said you don't take the easy way out. You're an incredible man. Just one of many reasons why our way is indeed the best.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I know what place I hope he itches in. 'Cause he can't ask people to scratch there because it's a sin. Bastard.

:)

Heh. You see me being incredible, I see me being a big sissy-girl. I like your way better.

Honey? Uhm...I can come in there to sleep, but I'm...is it okay if we just sleep?

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Well, we all know he's never been able to scratch his itches there. The big tool.

In this instance, I like my way better too! I hope, before long, you'll be able to see it my way as well.

Thomas, of course it's okay. I'd never push you to do anything you didn't want to. It will be wonderful to fall asleep with you again. I've missed that.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Dude he had to at least twice and while I am incredible grateful for both of the outcomes of said scratching...blehhhh.

I'll just borrow your sunglasses!

So have I. I really have.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Eeeeew. I'll bet he never let himself take pleasure in it anyway. That might be a sin.

You always do look sexy in my sunglasses! Sinfully so!

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

He makes me cry. Well...that was a rather obvious statement...

Hahaha, I love you, Baby.

I want babies. Yes. That was a segue.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Well, yes... I do agree with you there.

I love you, Thomas. I'm glad you mentioned babies, actually. I've been wanting to talk to you about that (I want them too). We don't have to talk about it right at the minute if you don't want to, but we should soon.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

My poor Spectre. I'll kick him in his itchy place if he touches you again.

Soon works. I just...I'm alive and I can. And I think...that's one of the things I'm most excited about. Having a life together. And having kids because I want them so badly. I have for a really long time and now it's possible.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Oooh, now that would be a sight worth seeing!

Yes, you most definitely can. And when we do, you will be the most wonderful father. It's going to be brilliant. Definitely one of the very best things about having you here!

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Indeed it would.

You make me smile, Angel. I'll be with you in a moment, okay? I'm just going to bring Flynn something to eat. I don't want him starving himself to death.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, absolutely. Thank you, Thomas. I'm so glad Flynn has you there to help look after him, too.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Love and kissies and more love and lost of pressies and love!

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Hooray for love!