Filtered to Spectre

[suave_thomas]

I am so so sorry. I am STILL so so sorry. I love you. I think the world of you. Hell, my world is you.



Which is sort of me looking broody, because I couldn't find a 'I'm sorry' photo on short notice. But I DID order you lots of presents which will arrive all day long tomorrow!

I keep thinking I'll be okay and then something else occurs to me. I'm not used to feeling my heart beating and it still keeps me up nights. I'm not used to having to fear...anything. Which probably made me seem much braver than I am because apparently now I am afraid of everything. And I know I don't have to fear death, because I know what it is. I was so comfortable dead. I really was. It was nice. But no one else was comfortable with it...clearly. And now I am experiencing what you all experience (you, darling, in particular) and fuck me. And I don't want to do that to anyone again and what if I miss something? And I feel torn right in two, as if I was expriencing the pain of the pull anyway. Only...this is worse. It's worse.

But hey, I'm talking, right?

I'm experiencing a midlife crisis and I only just got my life back! The last time I remember my body being alive, I was twenty-five. Now I'm thirty-nine. And does my body take into account the time I was dead, or am I actually twenty-five again, just...thirty-nine in spirit? Or do I really only have forty years left? This damn experience doesn't come with an owner's manual. And since forty years is as long as I have existed, it doesn't seem that long at all when I was looking at eternity before. And I know I'll have the eternity again but that's when it's all creepy again. And I get so tired now. And I pulled a muscle with Mary and thought I actually broke my...well anyway... And I start to obsess and worry... What if I get cancer. What if I get typoid? What if I die of consumption because I have no immune system?! And then my heart starts to beat faster and I panic because what if it's a heart attack?!

There's good things too. Like the way my heart flutters when I see you. Or the way you make me short of breath. The way I'm describing it is rather like a long jog...but you know what I mean (I hope...) My stomach jumbles itself up in fluttery little knots when I think of you and I find it rather charming. That never happened before. And I don't think I'll ever get used to it. It won't ever get old. You make me tingle all over. And in those moments, fuck I'm so glad I'm alive...

I'm sorry I couldn't say anything of this outloud. It's too hard to think when I've got racey heart and obsessy mind and panic, panic, panic, but that...all of that...that's what's going on in my head. That and I'm sorry. And I still don't think I can talk about it in person yet. I'm not really...peopley. But we can talk here. I can be good with that.

I love you.

Comments

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I love you too, Thomas. I'm so glad you were able to get down the things you're feeling. It's okay that you can't say them out loud yet. You're still expressing them, and that's so much better than not. And now, I can know what's going on, and think about it, and be better equipped to help you. This is really good.

Thomas, I had no idea you were still feeling so torn. Until the last few days, you seemed to be really getting into the swing of having your life back. But I understand that there's more to the pull than just the physical effects. You had a life up there, for lack of a better word. People you love, and that we love. It's not a matter of just going between any more. I understand that that's a tremendous change, and not at all an easy one. If I had suddenly lost the ability to come and see you, I would have been beyond shattered. I really do get it.

I wish we did have more information about this. Rolf may have more to offer. I don't know if you've seen him since your recovery. I hope he might be able to answer some of your questions. I wish being an angel would just automatically provide me with the knowledge. That would be nice. I wish I could make you less afraid of illness, too, but that's probably something that will only come with you experiencing good health.

I'm glad there are things that are still making you happy. I love the way I can make you feel. It's wonderful to know that. You make me feel the same, you always have. That picture certainly did. Thank you. For the presents, too! You didn't have to do that, but I'm not complaining. You always give the very sweetest gifts. I love you, Thomas. Thank you for talking to me here. I'm so glad I know now what's going on in your heart and mind.