Ruminations of an Afterlife

Thomas, thank you. I don't want you to avoid me either. And I'm so sorry for what happened, but I know you know that. I need you in my life too. I honestly think you taught me what love is. Because before you, there had been no one. Before you, there was no one. You were my first love, and the fact that you're dead doesn't exactly escape my irony meters. Kat's first love would be a dead guy. I'm so hardc0re. But Thomas...thank you for teaching me that. Because if it weren't for you, I honestly don't know if I could have the relationships I have with people now. I wouldn't have understood how to. And you helped me through what was probably the most horrible time of my life. I was pregnant and Bianca was gone...and then there was this sexy, wonderful man who actually cared. It wasn't just about sex. You proved that when you refused to sleep with me before I knew about the whole heart not beating thing. And it felt so good just to have someone who gave a damn, you know? Loved me despite being fat and bitchy and hormonal and everything else I was then. I think that's why I freaked out so much when I lost that. When you started seeing Mary and Spectre because we couldn't honestly be together... I saw myself losing that stability.

Then Alessa taught me that I didn't lose it after all.

So thank you, Thomas. For all of that. And I need you too. I'm so glad you're okay again. Seeing you like you were...that was horrifying. And I'm really glad Spectre's okay too. I was really worried.

And uhm...thanks for looking out for Jubilee. And Bianca. And being awesome.

Thomas? Sometimes...I'm afraid that...what if I mess up again?