Filtered to Spectre

[suave_thomas]

I might not be home tonight, Baby, and part of me is afraid you'll think it's about what happened earlier if I just didn't show up. I promise you it's not. I love you so much. That was me overreacting when I had no right to. I should never have treated you like that. Abby already yelled at me about it too, just so you know. She said "He is always so wonderful and kind and all he does is help other people and you had no right to treat him that way and if you don't make it up to him I'll-" Well...you get the point. And so did she. She was right about everything, and I do want to make it up to you. I want to take you out tomorrow or sometime when you're not busy with your masterpiece.

And I wanted to explain why I was actually upset too. It's the same reason Abby's upset. She told me I could say that, I'm not breaking a confidence. It had nothing to do with Peter at all. Not really. I'm upset because of what Del did to Pierre. Or, more specifically, to Matthew. My father left us. And it didn't really hurt me emotionally beyond a few days wondering why I wasn't good enough. I got over that quickly enough. More quickly than any of my siblings did, actually. But he fucked us over royally. Money was never not an issue. Ever. I can't tell you how many stupid times the electricity got shut off. Thank fuck we had a fireplace. So we would crowd in to the living room and pretend it was a sleep over and we read with candles and pretended to be camping. With tents made out of sheets because they kept the warmth in. I never realised that's why mum did it until I was about 23. I thought she was just trying to make it fun instead of horrifying. But she wasn't. Or that wasn't the only reason.

And sometimes we went hungry. Most times there wasn't a lot of food. And what there was certainly wasn't good, though that ceased mattering (unless it was greenbeans YUCK). And my father would sent money sometimes, but others the cheque would get 'lost in the mail'. It didn't matter to him. To him, it was an inconvenience having to send money to the family he didn't want. To us it was the difference between a full stomach or going to bed hungry and scared. It just makes me so angry still. That we went hungry because he thought fucking his secretary was more important than his children. And I know Pierre won't ever have to watch Matthew suffer that. Hell, he lives with Deirdre. His parents are here to help, not to mention Peter. But I can't help but equate the two.

I watched my mother go through horrible things. I watched her hate herself for not being able to give us everything, even if we thought she did anyway. She had to know her children were suffering and she couldn't do anything about it. Not if she wanted us to have a place to live, anyway. She worked so many jobs. She was always so damn tired. And I don't want to see Pierre go through that. I don't want to see him go through this alone. No one should have to stay in a relationship they don't want anymore. I'm not saying she shouldn't have left him. But she didn't have to leave leave. It's just bullshit. People shouldn't have kids if they don't want them. It's just bullshit!

So...that's why I'm upset. Thomas has daddy issues.

Comments

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Well, you know if anyone can understand daddy issues, it's me. I'm so sorry, Thomas. I had no idea that's why you and Abby were - are - upset. I tried to help her as much as I could, but without knowing the underlying reason for it, I was flying blind. I hope I still managed to lift her spirits a little.

Try not to worry about before. It's okay, and I understand completely now. I'm hardly going to hold it against you. I'd love to do something tomorrow, of course. I don't start mixing until Wednesday, so I have a lot of free time until then. Spending a lot of it with you sounds perfect. That being said, I will have to thank Abby for her beautiful words about me. She's an absolute treasure.

Even though it's not exactly the same situation, I can absolutely see how what happened to Pierre and Matthew would bring back terrible memories for both of you. What was done to all of you was unthinkable, and I hate that you all went through that. You and your siblings grew up into such beautiful people, and I have no doubt you were just as beautiful as children. Any father would have been lucky to have you, not to mention a brilliant, kind, loyal and fabulous woman like Lavinia. I don't know what your father was thinking. He couldn't have been thinking. It's bollocks. And the same goes for Del. I'm not able to be close to Pierre because of what happened with what I was doing with my music, but I know he's a wonderful young man who is completely dedicated to his family. Matthew is a lucky boy to have such a father, but of course he deserves a mother too. Pierre deserves for his baby to have a mother. I hate that this is happening to them. But dammit, we're going to give them all the support in the world we can. We'll never let what happened to your family happen to them. The parallels end here. You have my word, Thomas.

Your mother is awesome. Every time I hear you talk about her, I just want to cuddle her and tell her how wonderful she is. Which I will do, the next time I see her...