Filtered to Spectre

[suave_thomas]

I might not be home tonight, Baby, and part of me is afraid you'll think it's about what happened earlier if I just didn't show up. I promise you it's not. I love you so much. That was me overreacting when I had no right to. I should never have treated you like that. Abby already yelled at me about it too, just so you know. She said "He is always so wonderful and kind and all he does is help other people and you had no right to treat him that way and if you don't make it up to him I'll-" Well...you get the point. And so did she. She was right about everything, and I do want to make it up to you. I want to take you out tomorrow or sometime when you're not busy with your masterpiece.

And I wanted to explain why I was actually upset too. It's the same reason Abby's upset. She told me I could say that, I'm not breaking a confidence. It had nothing to do with Peter at all. Not really. I'm upset because of what Del did to Pierre. Or, more specifically, to Matthew. My father left us. And it didn't really hurt me emotionally beyond a few days wondering why I wasn't good enough. I got over that quickly enough. More quickly than any of my siblings did, actually. But he fucked us over royally. Money was never not an issue. Ever. I can't tell you how many stupid times the electricity got shut off. Thank fuck we had a fireplace. So we would crowd in to the living room and pretend it was a sleep over and we read with candles and pretended to be camping. With tents made out of sheets because they kept the warmth in. I never realised that's why mum did it until I was about 23. I thought she was just trying to make it fun instead of horrifying. But she wasn't. Or that wasn't the only reason.

And sometimes we went hungry. Most times there wasn't a lot of food. And what there was certainly wasn't good, though that ceased mattering (unless it was greenbeans YUCK). And my father would sent money sometimes, but others the cheque would get 'lost in the mail'. It didn't matter to him. To him, it was an inconvenience having to send money to the family he didn't want. To us it was the difference between a full stomach or going to bed hungry and scared. It just makes me so angry still. That we went hungry because he thought fucking his secretary was more important than his children. And I know Pierre won't ever have to watch Matthew suffer that. Hell, he lives with Deirdre. His parents are here to help, not to mention Peter. But I can't help but equate the two.

I watched my mother go through horrible things. I watched her hate herself for not being able to give us everything, even if we thought she did anyway. She had to know her children were suffering and she couldn't do anything about it. Not if she wanted us to have a place to live, anyway. She worked so many jobs. She was always so damn tired. And I don't want to see Pierre go through that. I don't want to see him go through this alone. No one should have to stay in a relationship they don't want anymore. I'm not saying she shouldn't have left him. But she didn't have to leave leave. It's just bullshit. People shouldn't have kids if they don't want them. It's just bullshit!

So...that's why I'm upset. Thomas has daddy issues.

Comments

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Well, you know if anyone can understand daddy issues, it's me. I'm so sorry, Thomas. I had no idea that's why you and Abby were - are - upset. I tried to help her as much as I could, but without knowing the underlying reason for it, I was flying blind. I hope I still managed to lift her spirits a little.

Try not to worry about before. It's okay, and I understand completely now. I'm hardly going to hold it against you. I'd love to do something tomorrow, of course. I don't start mixing until Wednesday, so I have a lot of free time until then. Spending a lot of it with you sounds perfect. That being said, I will have to thank Abby for her beautiful words about me. She's an absolute treasure.

Even though it's not exactly the same situation, I can absolutely see how what happened to Pierre and Matthew would bring back terrible memories for both of you. What was done to all of you was unthinkable, and I hate that you all went through that. You and your siblings grew up into such beautiful people, and I have no doubt you were just as beautiful as children. Any father would have been lucky to have you, not to mention a brilliant, kind, loyal and fabulous woman like Lavinia. I don't know what your father was thinking. He couldn't have been thinking. It's bollocks. And the same goes for Del. I'm not able to be close to Pierre because of what happened with what I was doing with my music, but I know he's a wonderful young man who is completely dedicated to his family. Matthew is a lucky boy to have such a father, but of course he deserves a mother too. Pierre deserves for his baby to have a mother. I hate that this is happening to them. But dammit, we're going to give them all the support in the world we can. We'll never let what happened to your family happen to them. The parallels end here. You have my word, Thomas.

Your mother is awesome. Every time I hear you talk about her, I just want to cuddle her and tell her how wonderful she is. Which I will do, the next time I see her...

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Yeah...I feel guilty ranting about my own because they just...seem insignificant. But I know you'll always listen to me. Just as I will always listen to you, Gorgeous. And you did lift Abby's spirits, by the way. She said she even bought sunglasses so you two could be twins, which is just as darling as darling can be.

I'm trying not to worry about it, but I feel so horrible. I don't yell at people I love. I don't. Being upset doesn't give me an excuse to be an arse. I will take you out and show you a wonderful time. We can do anything you want. Absolutely anything.

You know...ranting about it makes it sound so horrible and sometimes it was. But I really wouldn't trade my childhood. I've said it before, but it stands to be said again. What happened was shite. But we all banded together. I used to sneak in to Abby's room to take care of her. And Joe did that for everyone. We didn't fight. Not like other siblings did. We disagreed or argued sometimes, but we loved each other. And I wouldn't want to trade a full stomach for sibling rivalry, no thanks. And you're right...my mother did this in a different time. Her friends all abandoned her because they were useless sods. So she was alone. Pierre will never be alone. Thank you for giving me your word, Spectre. It means everything.

She really is. My mother is the definition of amazing. What she went through...and she managed to hold us all together unstead of letting us fall apart...none of us are drug addicts or alcoholics. None of us are angry at the world. We're all happy for the most part. Okay, I'm dead, but I am reasonably well-adjusted, this week notwithstanding. And I know that's because of her. She's like a lion! Rawr!

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Please don't ever feel guilty about ranting. You had absolute shite handed to you by your father. Just because I did too, doesn't mean you have any less right to rant. I want you to rant to me, because I'll understand. Or Peter, obviously. You have lots of people to rant to, but I'm glad you choose me so often. I'm always happy to listen and to help you.

I'm so glad you have such a beautiful family, and I feel so honoured to be part of it. You're all incredible people. I've never felt so fortunate as I do with all of you in my life. Abby looks absolutely adorable in those sunglasses, by the way. I'll make a fashionado of her yet!

I'll be sure to think of something fun for us to do tomorrow night. We'll have a wonderful time, Thomas, and put all thoughts of things said while upset behind us. That sort of thing just isn't worth holding onto. I love you, and you love me. That's what counts.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I rant to Peter all the time too. He's a good listener. It's just that now I don't know if he'll understand or not. He's having a good night tonight, I suppose. He's having that thing where food makes him sick though. He can't stand the smell of things. So he's drinking a lot of water.

Well, Spectre, I'm pretty sure they all feel the same way. I know I do. They all adore you. Every last one of them. And Abby always looks adorable. She's my Sunshine. So...I suppose sunglasses are kind of fitting!

You're right. It isn't worth holding on to. I only want to hold on to you. I wish I could, but I should stay here tonight. Aly's a bit upset. But I do love you. Very much. And that is what counts.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Poor Peter. I'm glad he was able to be okay today to help Devon. I'm sure it helps him a lot, in turn. He got to do what he does best, and what he loves today. He helped someone in need. It's a beautiful thing to see.

Ah, you raise a good point about the sunshine! I'm so thrilled that your family feel that way about me. I mean, I know already, but I'll never tire of hearing it from any of you. I love it.

I completely understand that you need to be there, Thomas. I'll still be here tomorrow. Your friends need you, of course you'll be there. It's one of the many, many things I love so dearly about you.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

It is. It really is. Liz is bringing Devon things because her father just moved here and he has nothing. They'll be alright. See, HE'S taking responsibility! Good dad.

It's something we won't stop saying either. Because that's what we do. We never let each other forget how much we mean to each other. It's important.

You know what I love dearly about you? Well, besides everything? You have the cutest tush in the entire world.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, that poor man. Well, not poor any more now that he has Liz and Peter's help. But I know what it's like to travel with nothing but the guitar on your back. I'm glad he's found such good support.

Speaking of support, you Littletons are all awesome. You have the most amazing family consciousness I've ever known.

Obviously there's something to be said for prancing about on stage beneath some very hot lights and surrounded by electrical equipment!

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Urge to cuddle...rising...

It came out of shite, but we're glad to have it. It makes the shite worth it.

I love your prancing too! And your eyes and your hair and your hands and your legs and your chest and your skin and your..well you can guess. And you lips. And you nose because it's so cute!

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Oh Thomas, you do make me blush so. You can cuddle me to the ends of the earth tomorrow. You need to be where you are now. It's okay. I'm not alone, I have the two best-friends-who-are-not-my-lover in the world here with me. Everything will be okay.

Darling, a Littleton always makes the shite worth it.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Oh I will! And say hello to Abby and Jax for me! And uhm...maybe tell Abby not to rip my balls off? Just a side note there.

I love it when you call me darling. And when you say things like that. And when you like...breathe and stuff.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I will most certainly pass on your greetings, and plead with Abby on behalf of your balls. I'm not sure how much sway I hold, but I'll do what I can.

Thomas, I adore everything you do and everything you are. You're the most magnificent example of a human being. I couldn't have a more gloriously wonderful love than you in all my wildest dreams. Actually, my wildest dreams do have a tendency to be about you...

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Don't joke, I need them!

Oh, Spectre. Thank you. And oooh, dreams?! You dream about me?! I dream about you too. I did even before we were together. After we first met, I dreamt about you and I wanted you. You were just so beautiful and you helped Peter even though you clearly didn't want to. I love you for that.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

And I love you, Thomas. I'm so thrilled you dreamt about me even then! I love it. I had a few dreams and fantasies about you, too. I never could have even imagined what a beautiful relationship those fantasies would turn into. We really do seem to have been made for each other.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

That's...the best thing anyone has ever said to me. I'm...completely speechless.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Even being speechless is speaking, at least when you're speechlessing to an angel. That makes me so happy, Thomas. I love you.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

God, I love you too.