Filtered to Samson

[suave_thomas]

Hey, Samson. We got to Spain safely and everyone here is doing really well. Spectre mentioned you were feeling a little isolated, so I wanted to drop a note and see how you were.

I also wanted to apologise. When Abby and Spectre didn't want to tell you about what happened to Mara, I agreed. And I'm very sorry for that. I'm sorry for not taking into account the fact that you've sworn to change. I saw my husband and my little sister panicking and I fell right in line. And I just wanted you to know I'm sorry for that.

Comments

[expect-a-mors.livejournal.com]

Thomas, thank you. I understand why it happened, but I appreciate that you and Adrian both apologised. I'm sorry there was ever a precedent there to begin with.

I'm alright. Adrian brought me some books and I've started to read them. Sometimes I find myself wishing I didn't consider the television a sin. It would make the time pass more quickly.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

People make mistakes. Learning from them shows growth and strength. Let us both be strong...and uhm...grown men. ...I wish I'd said that better, but you get what I mean!

The telly is a sin?

[expect-a-mors.livejournal.com]

I like the way you say it.

It's frivolous time wasting.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Wonderful!

I suppose it is. But what if you have a lot of time?

[expect-a-mors.livejournal.com]

I guess the challenge there would be to find something useful to do with it. I have used my time to try to reflect on the problems of my past, but eventually being in one room does do one's head in. I never knew that.

Will you tell me about my son, Thomas? He said yesterday that I was focusing too much on his being a homosexual. He said I was not seeing the forest for the trees. I don't know if it's because I don't know what 'homosexual' really means, or if it's just that I can't get past that part of him yet. I want to know him.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Now you do. And you will use that knowledge to move forward. I have faith in that now.

Of course I will! I love talking about Spectre! I could do it all day long. Your son is extraordinary. And not because he's inhumanly talented at playing his guitar, or because he's an angel, though those things do make up who he is. He's extraordinary because... It's hard to put it into words. Everything about him. He's so kind and he tries so hard to do the right thing all the time. He has such compassion in him. He did not have a happy childhood. He grew up with people who didn't understand him and then he was homeless and he had to make his own way in the world and when that happens, sometimes people can become selfish or closed off and it's not really their fault. They don't trust other people, nor do they care about them because they had to spend so much energy just taking care of themselves... Spectre isn't like that at all. He says I did it, but I don't think so. He always had that inside him. He just gives himself so freely.

I am completely in love with your son, Samson. With every single bit of him. I love the way he wakes up in the morning, looking all sleepy and confused. And when he seems he, he smiles. I love the way he cooks, because he twirls things and hums and dances. I love when he goes shopping and he gets so excited because he found a shiny thing. And then he brings it home and shows everyone! I love the way he is with our kids and our family. I love watching him perform because if anyone was born to do what he does, it's Spectre. I love when he flips his hair and when he laughs and when he thinks I'm being completely strange. I love watching him when Deirdre is talking, because his expressions are priceless. I love the way he comes home and tells me he loves me right away. The way he sometimes decides we should be dancing instead of sitting down, or when he sits right in my lap and demands my full attention. 'Homosexual' to me doesn't mean very much at all. It means your son prefers to sleep with men, but the relationship we have built is no different from any heterosexual relationship for that.

I know if it's something you have been taught is wrong for so long, it can take a long time to come to terms with. I was a monk, and though I never thought it was wrong, it took my brother pointing out that God means love to get me to realise that I had feelings for another man and maybe that was okay. If he hadn't said anything, I would probably still be wondering why I had funny feelings around men sometimes. If...I wasn't just dead all the time.

Your son is just a man. He loves to cook and eat, and I like to eat what he makes so that works out nicely! He likes music, obviously. He sings sometimes when he doesn't know he's doing it. He likes clothes and shoes, and he's very picky about his hair, but not to a degree where it's fussy. He likes to garden. We have a little herb garden in the back and we grow things there. Flowers too. Our son helps. We have cats and dogs, and he likes to go to the park with them. Not as much as I do, and he usually stands there looking bemused while I roll around in the grass with them. He loves Mara and he would do anything for her. He likes an odd drink every once in a while, and he doesn't always go for the fruity cocktail, though he likes those too! I don't think all of that has to go with being gay. Some of it does and some of it doesn't. All of it has to do with the fact that he's Spectre.

Your son is amazing. Is there anything else you want to know?

[expect-a-mors.livejournal.com]

You wrote me a book. You really do love him.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Of course I do! I could write a million more just like that one.

[expect-a-mors.livejournal.com]

Thomas, do you honestly believe it's not a sin? I am so glad my son has someone who loves him in this way, but what I cannot understand is why you couldn't be friends. Why can't you love him in this way without sodomy?

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I don't believe it's a sin, Samson. Like my brother said, God told us to love. The Bible was written by man and it is therefore fallible. I prayed for a week after my brother spoke to me, asking God to tell me why I was given these feelings for my friend. He was my best friend, and I did love him as that, but there was more to it. There still is... It's Peter I'm talking about, if you didn't know that. We were very close, but there was always something under it. Had I lived, if that undercurrent of relationship had remained unexplored (if it was reciprocated), it would have been...horrible. I was in love, Samson. Loving someone, and being in love is so very different.

In the end, if you believe God made Spectre, then God made Spectre the way he is and he loves him for it. I don't buy that nonsense about making him that way to tempt him. That doesn't make sense. Why would God create someone, and then give them no outlet for happiness, save sin? I'm sorry, it doesn't add up. From all I know of God, he would be horrified at the things carried out in his name. Not that I want to speak for him either, because I am very not qualified. God is love. We are love. What's more to know?

Our relationship isn't just about sex, though it certainly does involve it. It's connecting in a way we don't connect with other people. It's a very spiritual thing. All the rest of that stuff I said above is why we have a continuing relationship. It's what makes the relationship work. The sex is just...a bonus, I suppose. I was Spectre's friend before we slept together. I would always have been even if the relationship had gone no farther than that one encounter. We were lucky to find a deeper connection, and it brings us both immense joy. I don't believe that is something God would forbid, and I'm not just saying that because I have something to gain from it.

Sepctre lost me. For two months, I was missing, and he didn't think I was coming back. All of a sudden, he had lost this support and love and he was in a very bad place. I won't do that to him again. I know exactly what it would mean for him if I were to say, 'look we're just friends'. It wouldn't be pretty. I'm selfish too; I don't want to. I don't want to lose what I have with him because it's beautiful.

[expect-a-mors.livejournal.com]

Did you ever find out why God gave you those feelings for Peter?

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I came to realise it didn't matter. Love was love. I died before I could do anything about it. But I'm glad I understood it before that happened.

[expect-a-mors.livejournal.com]

I have a lot to think about.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Well if you want to talk again, just drop me a note, okay?

[expect-a-mors.livejournal.com]

I will. Thank you, Thomas. Thank you for your honesty and your willingness to answer my questions.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Hey, questioning things is how we learn. You're always welcome.