Ruminations of an Afterlife

Quinn!!

That being said, every time I move it fuckin' hurts like I've been attacked by a cheese grater. Or really big paper cuts... So I can't help look for Kat, which is insanely frustrating. Maybe someone should check in with Bianca again? Just to see what else is happening? It makes me all ishy now that I can't watch myself aaarrrgghhhh.

My time with Amaris was short, and while she certainly made her mark (pun intended because I'm still a little crazed) the effect she had on me was much less than last time. She didn't get inappropriate, at least not with me, and I was able to watch over Aly. We're both alright. Aly's a trooper. She threw a mirror at Amaris and it shattered all the fuck everywhere, it was fuckin' brilliant! Amaris tried to force me into something I'm not. She tried to make me sleep with Aly, who clearly was as keen on the idea as I was. And I refused to become Brian. I said no, and it worked. There was a cost...there always is with Amaris. But it was far better than losing myself. So I come away with scars you can see, but they're preferable to ones that lay hidden beneath the surface.

I have to tell you both something. I was thinking about giving in. Letting what was done to me keep me away. Because you'd think that being dead would keep you from traumatising experiences, but it didn't. I still went through something horrible. And I was going to say that I didn't want to come back. That I couldn't. But I talked with my mother, and she made me realise how weak that was. Just by being with her, because my mother is made of adamantium (nerd alert). And I can't let my mother be strong and give up so much for me just to turn around and give up myself. I won't do that to her. Or anyone else.

And, Spectre, I won't let Brian take me from you.

So...I suppose what I'm trying to say is...I'm ready to be strong now. No more giving up. And I love you both so much for being there for me when even I didn't want to be there. I know I've been...something other than myself. So thank you. From the bottom of my heart.