suave_thomas: (This is my city)
I couldn't be at the funeral today because Jordan's parents would have seen me and all hell would have broken loose. As far as I understand it, Julian wasn't there either. I can't really blame him. Poor kid.

I feel so empty right now. It's horrid and terrifying. And every time I see my son, I cling to him and he looks at me almost with pity because he knows I'm hurting. Maybe pity isn't the best word. Can a two-and-a-half year old feel sympathy? I think mostly when I was that age, I bit people and ate dubious things I found on the floor. Clearly James doesn't take after his dear old dad in that way, but I don't know. He lets me cling, and I need it. I am so terrified something will happen to him while I am gone.

So terrified, I feel fucking unmanned.
suave_thomas: (Steepled Fingers)
I don't like admitting fears. I don't know if it's because I unused to having such terrible fears, or if I actually have issues with appearing weak, but whatever the case may be, I don't like doing it.

I'm afraid of the dark.

I am six foot five, once again indestructible, quite burly thanks, and I'm afraid of the fucking dark.

And I died again. I'm dead again. I was tortured mercilessly and I look like nothing happened, and then I died to save my heart and my soul, and you wouldn't know to look at me. Unless you turned the light off and happened to hear my girlish squeal. Thing is, I'm not exactly happy when people turn lights on either, thanks to what Amaris did to me with her...electricity...euugghhh-

In summary? I'm pretty fucked up right now. I really am. But I probably won't act like it. I just can't handle that.
suave_thomas: (The fountain on the roof)
Tasha arrested Dragonetti. This is a man who...he put me through such agony. He put me on a Judas Cradle and I was there for days. He did those things to me of his own volition. And added to the things he's done to Peter and Tasha under Holden's command...

I'm glad he's in prison. Both so we know where he is, and so he's safe from me. If I had been in Tasha's place? I don't think I would have been able to control myself. I might have killed him and I hate that I know that. I don't want to be capable of that. But he is capable of doing it to us. Just...argh. It's scary to find these things out about yourself.
suave_thomas: (Staring and not liking)
Fuckfuckfuckfuck fuckbags fuck.

Amaris almost got me today. Kat and I were in the park but then she had to go. Zoe hurt herself, though I've been assured since then that she's fine. But she left and I was alone with James and then she was there and FUCK.

She's watching me. It's obvious now. How else would she had found me the second there wasn't another adult with me. She knows James is my son. She threatened him. So I ran, because of course, someone didn't have his mobile charged up. The hospital was the closest place and I ran there and I got nearly hit by cars and people and I slipped on ice but I kept going, and I think when I got to the hospital I actually died a little from lack of air, but we're fine. James and I are fine. He's a little scared, so he's sleeping in our room tonight with me since Spectre's in the US. He's asleep now, looking all cute and perfect.

She almost got me today. She almost got my son. After hearing what Peter's dreams entailed and thinking she could do those things to James too... No. I've never been so scared in my life.

We're okay though, Baby. Just so you know. We're both okay, just really shaken up. This wasn't supposed to happen...
suave_thomas: (Ohgodno)
You wouldn't ever throw things at me, right, Babe?

June 2011

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