To Those in the Know

[suave_thomas]

Last night, Deirdre made me eat green beans to prove how much I love Spectre. And I did it, thank you very much. Have you ever seen a dead man turn as green as a bean? Well...Deirdre took pictures. Isn't she kind?

And then I had a panic attack in the shower. No particular reason, I just did. So I rang Abby. And she made me talk to another doctor who diagnosed me over the phone. Ah, the life of a rock star's entourage. Apparently I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Which I suppose is not all that surprising. Except, I'm sure it's the first case of it ever occurring in the dead... Anyway...now I know what it is. And I can deal with it. I will be okay, because there's just no other option. Being here and talking to you all even though I want to crawl in a hole and never come out...that's part of making myself okay.

I'll be here with my Spectre for a little while yet. Then I'll come home to London and try to help with the thing I'm actually supposed to be here for. Inconvenient real 'life'. And of course, to snuggle with my Mumsie when no one else is around to call me a pansy for doing it. Well...except Mums. But she says 'Pansy' with love.

And uhm...if I disappointed anyone...I'm sorry. I disappointed myself too.

Oh, and Peter and Aly? Happy anniversary. And happy birthday, Aly. You're gorgeous.

Comments

[iamqueendiamond.livejournal.com]

My dearest Thomas.

You are anything but a pansy. I love you and I am proud of you. Everyone makes mistakes, Kitten. But you face yours like a hero. Which is what you've always been to me, anyway.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I wish you were here, Mummy.

Thank you. I love you too.

[deirdre-ionuin.livejournal.com]

I only made you eat like two. Pfft.

And yeah...you disappointed me. But you know what? I love you. No matter what. And I'm here to help if I can.

And you make the BEST faces when you eat green beans.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

More like two hundred!!

I love you too, Deirdre. And thank you. For being honest as well. I think that's important.

I'm sure I do...

[deirdre-ionuin.livejournal.com]

Exaggerator.

Well you're the most honest guy I know. So I suppose it makes sense to return the favour.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Meaniehead.

Glad to know you still think that about me.

[deirdre-ionuin.livejournal.com]

You're just Beanist. You like all the other vegetables.

It's still true.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

All the other vegetables don't taste like licking the bottom of the Antichrist's shoe! ...And finding something crunchy...shiuagfuidsa

[deirdre-ionuin.livejournal.com]

AHHAHAHHA EWWW! :D

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Exactly.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Ah, PTSD. That makes a lot of sense. I don't know why we didn't see it before. I suppose it's just not a matter of being as considerate as we could, because of the whole dead issue. Well, we know better now. We know what's wrong, and as you said, we will get through it.

Green beans and cherubs. We really do know how to torment you...

I love you, Thomas.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Knowing is half the battle. Or things.

Yeah. You do. But green beans and cherubs are nothing, really. Not comparatively speaking.

I love you too, Babe.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

It really is. It's true what they say, knowledge is power. You have the power to take control, and you will. You're one of the most emotionally and spiritually powerful people I've ever known. To say nothing of your physical strength, as well. You're strong all round.

Well, you know I would never, ever wish a measure of true torment on you. There are so many things I wish I could have spared you. So many things.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I don't feel strong right now. I remember I used to though, which is more than I did yesterday. Or the day before.

I know, Honey. And it seems sort of redundant to say the same to you, but it's true. There are so many things I wish I could have spared you too.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Oftentimes, I think we're strongest when we don't feel like we are.

Nothing you ever say is redundant Thomas, least of all to me. I love to hear you say things, even when I know them in my heart. Don't ever stop, okay?

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

You're strong. You should teach me how to be again.

I won't, Babe. As if anything could ever stop me talking. Especially not to you.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I'll do my very best, Thomas. I love you, I love you, I love you too. And god I love to hear that.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

I'll come say it in person.

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I was disappointed. But I spent a lot of my life being generally disappointing, so I'm not going to hold it against you. Besides, the way you've reacted to all this shows how disappointed you were in yourself, and how badly you want to make it right. You can and you will. I have faith in you, just like I always have. I love you, Thomas, and I can certainly understand how things got to be the way they are. I'm so sorry that you went through so much pain. I'll definitely still be here for you when you get back.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Sweetheart. That means a lot to me. I'm sorry I fucked up. But I appreciate understanding. And having wonderful people be there for me. I love you too.

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

You're welcome, Thomas. It's going to be alright. From what I can see, you're walking the right path, and walking it well.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

That's really because I have people around me to show me the way. And I am so grateful for it.

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

I feel exactly the same way.

[seminalsemiotic.livejournal.com]

*hugs* As much as I'm not usually into the Biblical quotes... "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." We've all been there. Making mistakes, I mean. Yours was a big one, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve a chance to fix it. Besides, of all the people I know, you're one of those who would try hardest of all to set things right, no matter how bad they were. And really, you've done so much good. So much. Does one mistake wipe all that out? Fuck no. The scales are still very much in your favour, mon ami. I love you.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

That's a good quote. One of the very good ones. And yes, I know how very big my fuck up was. I can only promise that my efforts to fix it will be twice as big. And I'll keep trying to do good too. I like it when people I love are safe. I love you too, Renee.

[seminalsemiotic.livejournal.com]

As you said up there, knowing is good. I absolutely believe you when you say your efforts will be twice as big. I know you well, and I never would have thought any differently. You're a wonderful person, Thomas, with one of the best and most giving hearts I've ever encountered. I can't tell you how many times you've made me feel safer in my bed at night, or walking down the street, or just sitting in the library reading. Never underestimate what you mean to us, because you could never overestimate it.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Renee? You have a knack for saying exactly what I need to hear. So thank you again.

[seminalsemiotic.livejournal.com]

You're most welcome, my darling. I'm very pleased I can do that!