To Those in the Know

[suave_thomas]

I keep dreaming and dreaming, and it's all memories. Or it was. Now there's added freakout elements which I can't stand. I don't like that I'm reliving those weeks with Amaris every time I sleep, but it's worse when I remember things I'd forgotten. Like...I found bits of wood in that hole underneath the abandoned house. The place she moved me to? The house above was falling apart and splintered wood was littering the floor all over. And I remembered last night that I was so hungry and desperate I tried to eat it. It was filthy and disgusting and wood and I put it in my mouth and I tried to chew it up and it cut my tongue. And then I cried for far too long about the fact that I couldn't eat the wood. There was peeling wallpaper on the walls and I tried to eat that too. It did not work out so well.

I won't tell you what I did eat in case you don't know, but I dreamed about that too.

And then I dreamed Spectre and James were there with me. Obviously, that part isn't memory, but it's twice as terrifying. Watching them suffer, even if I get to wake from it, is more horrible than crying because I was dying of starvation and the wood was inedible.

This along with everything else? I don't need it. Everything's bollocks right now. Except I'm here and that is not bollocks. I'm grateful every day for that.

Comments

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I'm grateful too, Thomas. So very grateful.

I'm so sorry the nightmares still haunt you. Those things... they're so awful. I hate that they ever happened to you. It's disgusting and horrible and I can't put into words how much I loathe it. I know how much it must hurt you to see it happen to James and I, even if only in dreams. I wish so much it would just stop.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

They are awful things. They usually seem like things that happened to someone else. Now the thought of eating wood and wallpaper seems totally fucking ludicrous. But at that point, I really would have eaten anything. Which is obvious... And seeing you and tiny James like that too, is just so far beyond fucked up.

I wish it would stop too. Maybe I should get one of those lobotomies!

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I suppose it would, in a film or something... but having experienced deep hunger myself, I know that it gets to the point where the ludicrous eventually seems to become the tenable. Not that I think I ever reached the point that you did, with that. My poor, dear love...

The trouble with lobotomies is that they make your eye droop. A bit like Paris Hilton. Maybe that's telling us something...?

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

You dealt with it for longer, and I am not well pleased about that. And I hate to think you got anywhere near the point where the ludicrous seemed tenable. Lucian did his weird metabolism maths when I was in hospital, and he told me that with my body the way it was, by the end it was like my body had gone for 35 days or more without food. Well, I had a muffin... And the other...bits that came right back up.

Oh dear God, I wouldn't be surprised. And I don't want to be a Paris-twin. That's not hot.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

We've both dealt with more than enough, I think it's quite apt to say. Thirty-five days, though... that's certainly a definition of Hell for me. As are the rest of those details...

There is indeed nothing hot about Paris. Including her punctuation.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

At least I didn't have to deal with the 35 days for longer than...well, I think it was 12? It wouldn't have been for much longer either way. And yes..the rest of the details are pretty fucked up.

You're really right.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

One minute is far too much for my liking. You should never be made to suffer, my Thomas.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Amaris clearly had other opinions on the matter. She made a study of exactly what would make me suffer the most and then she put it into action. It wasn't mindless violence, it was calculated and thought out, damn her.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

It makes my blood boil.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

We can stop talking about it then. No boiling.

I'm safe now. And tonight we are going to order take out and eat until were satisfied. And then you and I can slip away and remind each other how lucky we are, as we do most every night. And after we've fallen asleep, our son will join us thus reminding us again how lucky we are in a very different way!

Am I a trophy husband?

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Oh, my love... you do plan the most perfect nights. I love it. The simple things are truly the best.

Thomas, you may be a prize, and the best prize there is, but you're far more than a trophy husband. That being said, you're pretty enough to be a trophy husband! But I'd never, ever want anything less than equality between us.

Besides, given our age disparity, shouldn't I technically be the trophy husband...?

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

They really are.

Perfect. That's perfect. I know Adam was joking, of course, but then I had to ask...

Haha, I think the fact that you're the rockstar negates the age difference. Anyway, if you are going to be technical about it, if you add up the time I've spent actually alive, I'm only around 26! And you'll be 28 in a week!

I am going to spoil you rotten. I reckon I'll still be here.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Ah, that's our Adam!

Oooh, you sneaky minx! Catching me out on a return technicality! And fair enough, really... you've got me there!

Thomas, nothing would make my birthday better than having you here for it.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Indeed it is!

I'm just that good... (I just don't want to be forty!)

Then I'll be here.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Oh, it's definitely the being that good!

I love you, my dearest darling.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

:D!

I love you too, my wonderful husband.