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To Those in the Know
Apr. 14th, 2008 09:52 pmI refer to this now, because I feel I should explain it. The person it pertains to already asked me about it this afternoon. So he knows. It's not a big thing. Just...a thing.
When I was still alive, Adam visited the monastery and I thought he'd just come for a nice visit, but he actually had a mission in mind. He'd seen Peter and I together when we got breaks from the monastery (yes, monks get vacations and Peter and I used them to visit Liz and then my family) and he came to the monastery to point out that I had it bad. Because he realised I might not know. And he was right, I had no idea. But it was quite clear to Adam...and everyone else, that I was in love with Peter. And Adam happened to casually mention that, were I to leave the clergy to pursue something with Peter, no one in my family would think less of me.
I know I never really talk about my faith as it once was, so it might be strange to hear, but I used to. All the time. So bear with me. I remember very distinctly, that I said 'what about God? I made vows and I can't just break them on a whim.' And Adam's response was, 'whenever you speak about God, you speak of love. I don't think a God who would deny you love is a God you should bother serving anyway.' It made so much sense to me. And I started to think of ways I could serve God and have love as well. Because I believed that Adam was right, and that God would never look down on there being more love in the world. And if his church brought more people together, He would be glad of that. And I was going to speak to Peter about it, because Adam assured me that it was obvious Peter felt the same way. And no, I have no idea what Peter would have said, but I was willing to leave then and pursue a life with him, when mine was taken away. It wasn't three days after Adam came to see me. So I never had the chance to ask Peter about it. Or to have that love...not in that way.
So, I suppose, it means even more to me to have that chance now. I'm not afraid anymore. Not even a little bit. This is the way things are supposed to be.
When I was still alive, Adam visited the monastery and I thought he'd just come for a nice visit, but he actually had a mission in mind. He'd seen Peter and I together when we got breaks from the monastery (yes, monks get vacations and Peter and I used them to visit Liz and then my family) and he came to the monastery to point out that I had it bad. Because he realised I might not know. And he was right, I had no idea. But it was quite clear to Adam...and everyone else, that I was in love with Peter. And Adam happened to casually mention that, were I to leave the clergy to pursue something with Peter, no one in my family would think less of me.
I know I never really talk about my faith as it once was, so it might be strange to hear, but I used to. All the time. So bear with me. I remember very distinctly, that I said 'what about God? I made vows and I can't just break them on a whim.' And Adam's response was, 'whenever you speak about God, you speak of love. I don't think a God who would deny you love is a God you should bother serving anyway.' It made so much sense to me. And I started to think of ways I could serve God and have love as well. Because I believed that Adam was right, and that God would never look down on there being more love in the world. And if his church brought more people together, He would be glad of that. And I was going to speak to Peter about it, because Adam assured me that it was obvious Peter felt the same way. And no, I have no idea what Peter would have said, but I was willing to leave then and pursue a life with him, when mine was taken away. It wasn't three days after Adam came to see me. So I never had the chance to ask Peter about it. Or to have that love...not in that way.
So, I suppose, it means even more to me to have that chance now. I'm not afraid anymore. Not even a little bit. This is the way things are supposed to be.
