To Those in the Know

[suave_thomas]

I refer to this now, because I feel I should explain it. The person it pertains to already asked me about it this afternoon. So he knows. It's not a big thing. Just...a thing.

When I was still alive, Adam visited the monastery and I thought he'd just come for a nice visit, but he actually had a mission in mind. He'd seen Peter and I together when we got breaks from the monastery (yes, monks get vacations and Peter and I used them to visit Liz and then my family) and he came to the monastery to point out that I had it bad. Because he realised I might not know. And he was right, I had no idea. But it was quite clear to Adam...and everyone else, that I was in love with Peter. And Adam happened to casually mention that, were I to leave the clergy to pursue something with Peter, no one in my family would think less of me.

I know I never really talk about my faith as it once was, so it might be strange to hear, but I used to. All the time. So bear with me. I remember very distinctly, that I said 'what about God? I made vows and I can't just break them on a whim.' And Adam's response was, 'whenever you speak about God, you speak of love. I don't think a God who would deny you love is a God you should bother serving anyway.' It made so much sense to me. And I started to think of ways I could serve God and have love as well. Because I believed that Adam was right, and that God would never look down on there being more love in the world. And if his church brought more people together, He would be glad of that. And I was going to speak to Peter about it, because Adam assured me that it was obvious Peter felt the same way. And no, I have no idea what Peter would have said, but I was willing to leave then and pursue a life with him, when mine was taken away. It wasn't three days after Adam came to see me. So I never had the chance to ask Peter about it. Or to have that love...not in that way.

So, I suppose, it means even more to me to have that chance now. I'm not afraid anymore. Not even a little bit. This is the way things are supposed to be.

Comments

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I'm so, so happy to be one of the people who gives you that chance now, my darling Thomas.

As to the rest of it... thank you for sharing that with us. I think you and Adam are both amazing men. I hadn't given much thought to that facet of your relationship with Peter, to be honest, but it all makes perfect sense upon reading it. I know it was a long time ago, but I'm so proud of you for being willing to take steps to do what you felt was right in your heart, even if you didn't get time to achieve it. The important thing is, you knew the value of love, then as you do now. I know you always did. Obviously, it runs very deeply in the family. Every day, I have more reason to be proud to count myself among the Littletons.

I love you, Thomas. Thank you for making my life the wonderful life it is.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Thank you. For giving it to me and being happy about it.

I am as comfortable with Peter as I am with myself. It's been that way from...almost when I met him. After I got over the loathing him thing. But as such, I am comfortable with him as a best friend, a brother, a lover...whatever. In whatever capacity. It was always going to be that way. As long as I get to have him in my life, it doesn't matter how. If he had chosen to stay, I would have been happy with that. I would have stayed with him. I loved him and I was in love with him and they were very separate emotions, instead of being all tangled up in the same thing. Which was probably for the best because I was able to keep them separate when I eventually had to. So I did take steps. And then when I came back and we did head down a road that could lead to a relationship and I knew in my heart it had to end, I did that too. I think that is also the value of love. To know when it just can't be. We lost our chance, but we really didn't lose.

I love you too, Adrian. Every day for the rest of forever.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

Thomas, it will always be my greatest pleasure.

I love that you have someone you can have that deep, unique, wonderful relationship with. It's perfect. Everything you describe... I think it's the best definition I've ever seen of true friendship. You're both so loving, so giving, and so understanding with each other. Everyone should have a friend like that. I think that would make the world an immeasurably better place. I'm so glad you see what you have, and that I get to see what you have, too. It's indescribably wonderful.

Every day for the rest of forever sounds absolutely perfect, too.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Even more than that thing I do?!

Peter is nothing if not unique! And he's definitely a true friend. I would be lost without that connection. And, well...we know poor Peter was. But he doesn't have to be anymore, and that is what is important.

Pie sounds perfect too, but in a completely different and much less important way. I just like pie.

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

I like to think of that thing you do as being incorporated into the happiness!

That is indeed what is important. There shall be no being lost for any of us, as we shall always have each other. Quite literally, too!

Oooh, I like pie! We can have pie. Let's have pie!

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Fair enough!!

You can be my map and I'll be yours.

Excellent!! Pie it is! You can eat it off me if you want! But no forking...

[in-spectre-mors.livejournal.com]

You say the most beautiful things, Thomas, you really do.

Deal! No forking. But maybe spooning.

[lady-with-thee.livejournal.com]

Wow, that really is quite amazing. And tragic... I'm sorry you didn't get to tell Peter how you felt, Thomas. I can imagine how devastating it must have been, having gone through death many times myself. It's sad that in our first incarnation, we don't have the wisdom and foresight to say things the way we do now. Though in your case, it wasn't a matter of lack of foresight, but rather, horrible timing. You would have told Peter. Knowing you both, it would have resulted in something wonderful. I'm sorry you missed that, and had to "live" so long with what-ifs.

Thomas, I'm proud of you for talking about it now. You don't have to downplay this. I know it's not an "issue" or anything, but it is an immense part of your past, and should be acknowledged as such. I want to acknowledge it. And I want to thank Peter for giving you at least that taste of love before you died. Had you never come back, you still would have known something special and real, because it was Peter. I love that, and I love you, my Thomas.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

It's alright, he's my Peter. And he has all those beautiful kids, not to mention the hottie wife. And I have my Mary and my Spectre. Neither of us is wanting for anything, save a pulse. And even though I don't have that, I'm happy. Everything turned out wonderfully. It was hard when I first came back, not to tell him. I didn't want him to feel guilty. I think it's better that I waited. Now was the right time.

Oh, I'm not downplaying. It was big. It's just not anymore. Peter always gave me 'special' and 'real'. Without fail. He really is a wonderful friend. And I consider myself lucky that he thinks of me as highly as he does. I love you too, Mary!

[lady-with-thee.livejournal.com]

You do have us. Absolutely and always. Things did turn out wonderfully, just not in any way that could have been foreseen. But anything that makes us all so happy can't be wrong! I have no doubt you waited until the right time, too. You Littletons have a very special knack for saying the right thing at the right time.

I think we're all lucky to have Peter, and you. Ours is a wonderful world indeed.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

It's Mum's genes. Better we got them than 'abandon people and leave them vulnerable' genes. We...also inherited 'say any old thing you happened to think' genes...

It is! It has a Mara in it! She twirled, Mary! She twirled and it was gorgeous!

[lady-with-thee.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I like that second one! I think you have perfect genes. You look very good in them, too.

Aww, twirling Mara! So adorable. I do love that girl.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Well thank you! You look very good in nothing!

So do I. She just guh. I think that means no words describe what she just.

[lady-with-thee.livejournal.com]

I do believe nothing becomes me!

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. "Guh" is perfectly appropriate in this instance.

[demon-svetlana.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. I can't imagine how much differently I would have thought if I'd known.

I probably would have asked to run away with you forever. And gotten one of you pregnant...

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Svetlana, what happened happened. You know I don't blame you. I love you. And hey, you gave me the chance to fall in love with two amazing people. It's alright.

That...would have been interesting. I don't think I'd look good in maternity clothes though, Sweetheart.

[demon-svetlana.livejournal.com]

I love you too, Thomas. I just couldn't let this go by without saying it, because what happened happened. I'm happy you have your two amazing people, though :)

I wouldn't have even let you near the mummus, Big Boy.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

So am I. But thank you for saying it, Svetlana. That is one of the many reasons I love you.

Haha! Good thinking!

[demon-svetlana.livejournal.com]

You're welcome! Yay for lots of lovey reasons!

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

I always knew you loved my Dad, but I never realised things were so close to being so different. God, everything would have been... so different. I can't even begin to comprehend it. Dad still would have been a hero, of course. With the way his visions work, that can't be anything but destiny, right? But with you by his side, all the time... wow. So different. I don't think that idea is getting old any time soon...

Anyway though, thank you, Thomas. For sharing something that I didn't know about my Dad before, and one of my very best friends. I'm really happy to know all that now, even if it's sad. I love you.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

We could have been Defenders of Justice! I would have made him wear spandex. He would have pouted, but we all know I'd win. And yeah, things would have been very different. But I am not at all upset with the way they turned out. Not even a little.

I guess it is sad, but...I'm not sad. Neither is Peter, if you're wondering. He's just fine. We talked about it earlier. I love you too, Tasha.

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

Hehehe, Spandex Dad! He spandex with the hair... it would have been a sight to see. I'm so glad you're not upset though. I mean, I know you're happy. You leave us in no doubt as to that. I just meant the story is sad, in its way. But we have the happiness now, so there's no point in dwelling on the sadness. We have a wedding to plan!

And Thomas? Thank you for taking the very best care of my Dad.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Peter is always a sight to see, but spandex and hair would be...uhm...interesting. Plans make me giddy! And yes, the story is sad. But you have no idea how grateful I am that I died before I said something instead of dying right after. If I had to die either way, I'm glad it was the way where it caused Peter less mental anguish. I don't even want to imagine what could have happened had I said something, and he decided he wanted to go for it after the last exorcism and then...yeah. Badness.

You're very welcome, Tasha. I always will. I do love your Dad a tremendous amount.

[empress-tasha.livejournal.com]

He'd probably have to shave the rest of his body, you know. You wouldn't want leg hairs poking out through the spandex.

You make a lot of sense. Definitely good that there was less mental anguish... even if having heard about it, it's very hard to think of that as "less". I know it was, though. I'm just so thankful that you can be in a position now to talk about this, with all of us. It's wonderful beyond imagination.

I love him a tremendous amount too! Which is to say, I approve. And I love you a tremendous amount as well, just so you know.

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

He has like...three leg hairs. The man is weird.

I don't think there's anything I couldn't talk to you all about. For instance, I can tell you I'm double jointed. Muahaha! Okay, my thumb is....

I do know. And it's reciprocated!!