Ruminations of an Afterlife

Do you think Joe is ashamed of me?

Les Miserables opens on Wednesday and I'm nervous! Already. Which, I think, is making me eat more than usual. Which is saying something.

My Mumsie is getting married and I'm going to have a step-father. We had a long talk about how if he hurts her like Bernard did, he'll never again know the touch of a woman. And then he said the most incredible thing. "I am so proud I am going to be your step-father." And he meant all of us, not just me there. But...the man is 64, and he's marrying a woman who has five grown children. Technically he doesn't really have to have much to do with us at all in a 'father' capacity. The raising has been done, you know? As done as it ever really is, anyway. My mother did that on her own, and deserves a frickin' award for it. But he said it anyway, and it made me feel...well I felt like I was ten years old again, and finally hearing what I've been waiting to hear since Bernard left us.

I don't think I usually get this mushy outside talking about my spouses or my children (who are gorgeous, by the way!), but it was such a wonderful thing for him to say. It made me really happy. And seeing Mums all cute and giggly is only making me happier.

It's a wonderful time right now.

I might not be home tonight, Baby, and part of me is afraid you'll think it's about what happened earlier if I just didn't show up. I promise you it's not. I love you so much. That was me overreacting when I had no right to. I should never have treated you like that. Abby already yelled at me about it too, just so you know. She said "He is always so wonderful and kind and all he does is help other people and you had no right to treat him that way and if you don't make it up to him I'll-" Well...you get the point. And so did she. She was right about everything, and I do want to make it up to you. I want to take you out tomorrow or sometime when you're not busy with your masterpiece.

And I wanted to explain why I was actually upset too. It's the same reason Abby's upset. She told me I could say that, I'm not breaking a confidence. It had nothing to do with Peter at all. Not really. I'm upset because of what Del did to Pierre. Or, more specifically, to Matthew. My father left us. And it didn't really hurt me emotionally beyond a few days wondering why I wasn't good enough. I got over that quickly enough. More quickly than any of my siblings did, actually. But he fucked us over royally. Money was never not an issue. Ever. I can't tell you how many stupid times the electricity got shut off. Thank fuck we had a fireplace. So we would crowd in to the living room and pretend it was a sleep over and we read with candles and pretended to be camping. With tents made out of sheets because they kept the warmth in. I never realised that's why mum did it until I was about 23. I thought she was just trying to make it fun instead of horrifying. But she wasn't. Or that wasn't the only reason.

And sometimes we went hungry. Most times there wasn't a lot of food. And what there was certainly wasn't good, though that ceased mattering (unless it was greenbeans YUCK). And my father would sent money sometimes, but others the cheque would get 'lost in the mail'. It didn't matter to him. To him, it was an inconvenience having to send money to the family he didn't want. To us it was the difference between a full stomach or going to bed hungry and scared. It just makes me so angry still. That we went hungry because he thought fucking his secretary was more important than his children. And I know Pierre won't ever have to watch Matthew suffer that. Hell, he lives with Deirdre. His parents are here to help, not to mention Peter. But I can't help but equate the two.

I watched my mother go through horrible things. I watched her hate herself for not being able to give us everything, even if we thought she did anyway. She had to know her children were suffering and she couldn't do anything about it. Not if she wanted us to have a place to live, anyway. She worked so many jobs. She was always so damn tired. And I don't want to see Pierre go through that. I don't want to see him go through this alone. No one should have to stay in a relationship they don't want anymore. I'm not saying she shouldn't have left him. But she didn't have to leave leave. It's just bullshit. People shouldn't have kids if they don't want them. It's just bullshit!

So...that's why I'm upset. Thomas has daddy issues.